HEALTHCARE REFORM:WHAT'S MISSING FROM THE DEBATE

With all the hysteria about death panels, socialized medicine, big government and the like is the fact that all of us Boomers need high quality, low cost healthcare as we begin the second half of life. I don't know about you but as I look at my annual budget my insurance costs are growing at a faster rate than any other item. Despite this phenomenon, I have yet to hear from any elected official on either side of the aisle come up with a coherent, well thought through solution to my problem and those faced by 80 million other Boomers. Here is one way to frame the problem.

Insurance rates whether they be life, automobile or healthcare are ultimately based on the pooled cost i.e, claims of all the participants in the insurance plan. For example, my Allstate insurance rates will go up if policy holders as a group exceed what the actuaries project will be their total claims experience, or costs. In other words, the cost for "bad" behavior is passed on to all of us. A great business!

Taking the analogy another step, rising healthcare costs result from "bad" behavior on the part of millions of individuals who are suffering from obesity, high blood pressure, heart disease, alchohol and drug abuse, smoking and other lifesyle oriented maladies which, and here is the good news, are avoidable through wellness programs and other interventions.

Assuming I am correct, the best way to lower healthcare costs, then, is to incentivize "good" behavior by lowering premiums, deductibles and co-payments for individuals who achieve specific levels or parameters for weight, blood pressure, cholestrol levels,and other indices or measures of good health practices.

If government can improve the health of millions of Americans all the mindless chatter will disappear and we can focus on other equally important issues including world peace, the economy and ending hunger in the world.

FLOW AND MY NEW BOOK

One of the things I learned doing research on happiness is one of the ways to achieve it is to do things that put us in a state of flow. (I wrote on this subject back in May.) Two things happened. I stopped blogging. And I completed a book.


One of the reasons I started blogging was it put me in a state of flow. But, once the summer came around I found other things to do that also put me in flow. This included, gardening, bike riding, reading on the beach, and playing golf. Blogging lost out and I started to feel guilty. I realized that although achieving flow is it's own reward it is far more rewarding when the activity is also doing something that is both intellectually stimulating and helps others. Selfish pleasure is not as rewarding. This obvious insight motivated me to return to blogging.

The other things I learned is how powerful our inner critic really is. (I wrote about this in an earlier blog as well). Early this year I decided to write a book for Boomers that incorporated my research on happiness and my personal experience transitioning into the Second Half. I wanted to write a book for several reasons one of them being to provide a practical guide for Boomers entering their Second Half, another one was I wanted to use the book to launch a second career as a motivational speaker and life coach and thirdly I wanted to achieve flow.

Well my innner critic kept telling me "You can't do it". "It's a waste of time", "No one will read it", "You have nothing to say" etc. His whispering in my ear made something that I knew I had to do, wanted to do, and should do a very tortuous painful and time consuming process. Simply stated, my inner critic, the voice of my subconscious mind, didn't want me to succeed, didn't want me to be happy! As a result, I found myself procrastinating and failing to keep to my schedule of writing every morning for 3-4 hours.

I fell so far behind I knew I had to silence my innner critic. I did. Everytime he put a negative thought in my head I immediately replaced it with a positive one that focused on the benefits of completing the book. For example, I imagined the satisfaction I'd gain from writing a book, how it would help me market myself as a speaker, how I could show my kids how perseverance pays off, and how silencing my inner critic now would enable me to do it again the next time he came after me. I'm pleased to say my book will be out in two weeks. I do not plan to give my innner critic and advanced copy!

Are you plagued with struggling to accomplish something that is important to your well being and happiness? Do you have an inner critic who is sowing the seeds of doubt? If you do, you can silence him as I did by recognizing he exists and replacing his garbage with positive, enabling thoughts. If you do, you will be amazed at the results.

HOW TO FIND OUT WHAT TURNS YOU ON

Do you want to fulfill dreams, ambitions, and goals you didn't achieve in your First Half? Many of us did not have the opportunity to to do so because we had to earn a living to support our families. As a result we and had to shelve our dreams and passions. Others of us chose careers in business because we were seduced by money and the status that came with success. And still others among us stumbled into our careers without much thought or reason. Regardless of your situation, the Second Half is a time when you can chase your dreams and live your passion.

Whenever I think of thwarted dreams and ambitions, I remember a wonderful friend who was the principal of a local junior high school in the town where I lived. He was given a mandate to shake things up a bit, including repainting the halls and classrooms. The powers that be thought a brighter school might result in turning out brighter students. I was struck by my friend’s excitement and dedication to the project. When I pressed him on the subject, he explained that he always wanted to be an artist, but his parents disapproved and refused to pay his college tuition if he did not pursue a professional degree. As I got to know him, I realized the price he had paid for his thwarted dream. There was a sadness and incompleteness about him. If during your First Half, your work did not allow you to live your passion use your Second Half to find and fulfill it.

There are several ways to do this. The first is to identify activities you engaged in that put you in a state of flow. Flow is a concept developed by Professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi who sought to identify what the most successful people across a variety of fields—business, the arts, science, government had in common regarding their work or activity. After interviewing scores of individuals he identified seven characteristics which he subsequently described as flow. They include:

1. Being completely involved, focused, concentrating - with what they were doing due to innate curiosity or as the result of training

2. Experiencing a sense of ecstasy - of being outside everyday reality

3. Having great inner clarity - knowing what needs to be done and how well it is going

4. Knowing the activity is doable - that the skills are adequate, and neither anxious or bored

5. Possessing a sense of serenity - no worries about self, feeling of growing beyond the boundaries of ego - afterwards feeling of transcending ego in ways not thought possible

6. Experiencing a feeling of timeliness - thoroughly focused on present, don't notice time passing

7. Having extrinsic motivation - whatever produces "flow" becomes its own reward

One of the more interesting observations made by Professor Csikszentmihalyi was the fact that none of the successful people he interviewed suggested that what they did was motivated by the need to make money. Achieving flow really is its own reward. So one way to find out what turns you on identify the things you’ve done that put you in a state of flow. For example. I discovered research and writing put me in a state of flow. Which in turn prompted me to research and write a book on how to achieve happiness and meaning in the Second Half.

Another somewhat related approach to finding out what turns you on is to ask yourself several questions:

1. What turned you on as a child?

2. What excites you?

3. What are some of the things you’d like to do if earning money was not an issues?

4. Is there anything you’ve dreamed of doing that you’ve never shared with anyone?

5.What are some of your talents, things that you are really good at doing?

6. When you go to a cocktail party and people are discussing various subjects, which ones interest you the most?

One of my favorite quotes is from Thoreau: “The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation and die with the song inside of them.” Do you want to live with your song inside of you? If not, take some time now to identify what turns you one and take action to fulfill your dreams and aspirations. You’ll be much happier and fulfilled

EXERCISE YOUR WAY TO HAPPINESS

As we Boomers become older there is overwhelming scientific evidence that physical exercise is vital for our health, happiness and well-being. Exercise keeps the heart strong by keeping the blood vessels open as well as ensuring the brain cells get all the nutrients they need for peak performance. Neurobiologist Robert Dustman, MD showed that aerobically fit people had brain waves associated with alertness and mental acuity including memory. Further testimony to the value of exercising on mental acuity especially for aging Boomers is the number of years an individual engages in physical exercise and their current aerobic capacity can predict how they will do on a test of information processing. In turn, other studies have shown that retirees who become couch potatoes and fail to exercise or engage in some form of extended physical activity such as walking or working in the yard show a significant decline in their blood flow to the brain which results in diminished memory and recall, difficulty processing information and difficulty multitasking.

In addition to improving brain function and mental acuity, physical exercise can lower blood pressure, increase strength and stamina and improve flexibility. Recognizing the benefits to older Boomers more and more health clubs are adapting to changing demographics and offering exercise programs for older individuals. Examples include programs focusing on, cardiac rehabilitation, osteoporosis, high blood pressure and arthritis.

Physical exercise can also be a very effective treatment for depression. Studies show that individuals suffering from depression who engage in a structured exercise program show a reduction of anger, fatigue and tension. One of the reasons is the release of endorphins into the brain promotes a sense of well-being and happiness akin to what is know as the “runner’s high’ which is also attributed to the release of endorphins to the brain. Another benefit of exercise for people who have signs of depression is an improvement in their moods, vitality, alertness and sense of well-being. Taking these points into account, one psychologist suggested that exercise is the best non-pharmacological anti-depressant we have!

One of the most pressing public health issues in this country is obesity. Current estimates put it at 30% of individuals 20 or older or 60 million people. The situation is somewhat for older people. According to the Centers for Disease Control 76% of men and 71% of woman between 65 –74 are over weight or obese. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, life expectancy in the U.S. may drop by up to five years because of obesity and its side effects. These side effects include: hypertension, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease, osteoporosis, gall bladder disease, sleep apinea and other respiratory diseases and some cancers.

Despite the obvious side effects of obesity a surprisingly high number of seniors report little or no interest in losing weight. The Surgeon General suggests that among individuals 65 and older only 43% of men and 53% of woman claim they are interested in losing weight. This seemingly indicates there is need for a national communications and educational program targeted to senior encouraging them to exercise and lose weight.

While on the subject of weight, lets not neglect the importance of what we eat. The key to losing weight is to use more calories than we consume. Moderate exercise will certainly help us use up calories, how much is debatable. For example a moderately paced 30 minute walk will burn less than 200 calories. Not much when you consider that to lose one pound one must use up 3500 calories than you take in as food. Obviously, exercise coupled with a reduction in calories is the answer. You could engage in moderate exercise for 30 minutes a day, for example, walking, then choose low fat low calorie food, eat smaller portions, and drink water instead of sodas that are very high in sugar.

If we have learned anything about achieving happiness and well-being in the Second Half it is we are in control of our destiny. This is especially true as it relates to our physical and mental well-being which both can be enhanced through proper exercise and diet. So if you feel a little sluggish and note the love handles are getting larger, do something about your diet and exercise habits. You’ll feel much better when you do!

YOU WANT PEACE IN THE HOME, RENEGOTIATE YOUR ROLE

I mentioned in a earlier, post, communicating with each other about roles and how to fill in the spaces in each other’s lives is crucial to making a smooth transition into the Second Half. In an amusing article, “‘Honey, I'm Home! - For Good: The Transition to Retirement,” Kirk Bloir illuminates the situation by quoting a couple’s reaction to their new circumstances:

"At first it was great having George around all of the time, but now he's into everything. He's rearranged my cupboards, moved the linens from one closet to the other, and has started giving me his own Hints from Heloise. When he was working, I never heard a peep about how I ran my home. If I have to hear one more time about how much he misses the 'guys' I'm going to scream. You know, I really thought it would be different, better somehow."
"For the past couple of weeks, things have been great—Ginger and I were really enjoying each other's company. Now all we seem to do is fight. The other day when I helped her out by maximizing our storage space and offered a more efficient way to do the dishes, man did she hit the roof. And I really miss my pals at the shop. It seems as if my usefulness has run its course."

Are you having difficulty navigating your way into the Second Half with your spouse? A good starting point is to understand that retirement is a process not an end state. Or to put it another way, the problem is not being retired, but becoming retired. Bearing this point in mind, it helps if you reframe your retirement and passage into the Second Half as a process involving yourself and your spouse. I failed to do this. When I retired I made every conceivable mistake, beginning with failing to tell my wife I was planning to retire. I had been thinking about leaving work for a while, and when the opportunity presented itself I was ready to jump. Unfortunately, I did not take into account the psychological and emotional impact it would have on my wife, or myself for that matter. Thanks to her understanding and patience, we were able to work through many issues and, in the process, strengthen our relationship.

One of the most important issues is being careful not to infringe upon your spouse’s role as homemaker, wife and mother. The best way to do this is to involve them in carving out a new role for yourself. Remember, work occupied about 40 percent of your time. When you retire, the challenge is to fill in that time without tripping over each other as I did. One spouse summed up the problem this way: “I never imagined it would be so hard to be together 24/7.” Another wife put it this way: “I am with this person for better or worse, but not for lunch.”

With apologies to non-traditional couples, I am referring to males in traditional Boomer marriages, where there is a tendency to become involved in activities that are normally the province of their wives. For example, I had two school-age children when I retired. My wife had done an absolutely wonderful job of raising them while I was bringing home the bacon. One day, I made a suggestion about something to do with their schoolwork; I do not remember exactly what it was. I do remember my wife exclaiming with some frustration that she had always made the decisions about the children’s schooling, so why was I getting involved now? I failed to take into account that over the course of a marriage, both of us took on roles that became part of who we were. When one of the spouses unwittingly takes on the other’s role and invades their turf, it is often a source of anger. If this sounds familiar, become more sensitive to your spouse’s role and turf in the house especially when you are tempted to rearrange the furniture in the living room, or straighten out the pantry, or give instructions to the cleaning lady. If you do you’ll earn the gratitude of your spouse and reduce the level of frustration and anger in your home.

SEVEN STEPS TO A SATISFYING RETIREMENT

As you are well aware by now there are over 80 million Baby Boomers who are beginning to retire in droves. In fact, one Boomer reaches age fifty every 7.5 seconds. Most will retire within 5 years. Because Boomers are chronologically, physically and psychologically younger than their parents were when they retired it will be very different for them. So if you are a Boomer here a seven suggestions for making your retirement more satisfying.

1. Retire the word “retirement” from your vocabulary. Think of it as making a transition from the First Half to the Second Half of your life something akin to moving from infancy to adolescence. In this way your retirement can be properly seen as an opportunity for growth, learning and discovery.

2. Listen to your inner voice when it begins asking, “Who am I?”, “How do I use my talents?”, and “What do I believe?” These questions provide an opportunity to identify and live unfulfilled dreams as well as allowing you to use hidden talents—things that are often illusive during the First Half.

3. Allow yourself to dream about all the things you’d like to do and to be. Perhaps it’s buying a vacation house, or taking piano lessons or starting a new business. A well known person reluctantly thrust into the Second Half dreamed about opening a fried chicken restaurant borrowing a recipe that had been used in the family for years. Colonel Sanders and his Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise are now part of popular lore about the power of dreams.

4. Evaluate your situation remembering that life is made up of many different parts—career, finances, friends, marriage, mental and physical development, values, etc. One of your goals in the Second Half is to create a more balanced life by placing equal emphasis on each part-- again, something that was often difficult to pull off in the First Half. So assess each part of your life and determine where you need to refocus. For example, you may conclude you have neglected your health or an important relationship. If so, do something to correct the situation.

5. Develop goals and set priorities for important areas of your life. This will help you organize your time and energies in pursuit of your dreams. One of the reasons people often flounder during their Second Half is they don’t have goals. As a result, their time is often frittered away. Remember, goals create action and its action that gets results.

6. Organize your time using a day planner or wireless device because it helps impose structure on each day, something that is lost when you leave work and retire. In this manner, there is greater likelihood you’ll achieve goals that are important to you.

7. Eliminate negative self-talk because it sabotages the opportunity to achieve your dreams and goals for the Second Half. When you have a negative thought replace it with a positive one. For example, if one of your goals for the Second Half is to find part time employment and you find yourself thinking “No one is going to hire me at my age.” Replace the though with one that proclaims, “The job market is challenging but I have a lot to offer.” I know it is hard to believe but the mind doesn’t distinguish a true thought from a false one. Whatever is planted in the mind becomes reality.

The transition into the Second Half is often jarring and unsettling. There will undoubtedly be periods of uncertainty, anxiety, even fear. These reactions are normal. Making a successful transition often involves going up a lot of different paths until the right one is found. However, if you follow these seven steps I am confident the path will be a lot smoother for you.

HOW TO GET STARTED IF YOU HAVE TO FIND A JOB

If you are thinking about finding a job in the Second Half, you’ll have a lot of company because fifty and over is one of the fastest growing labor force groups in the country. The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that only 13 percent of American workers were fifty-five and older in 2000 whereas by the year 2015 workers fifty-five plus will make up over 20 percent of the workforce. The reason for this trend is clear: more and more people are looking to supplement their retirement income since many either failed to save enough money to retire or the value of their retirement plans especially 401(k)s and IRAs plummeted during the recent market crash.

According to a recent AARP study, 80 percent of Baby Boomers expect to keep working when they are retired. Some are seeking a way to get out of the house. Others want the social interaction work often provides. And still others miss the structure and routine of going to work. But, most of the respondents to the AARP survey cited money as the primary reason for seeking employment. As stated earlier, it is becoming more and more apparent that many of us will need to find part-time, maybe even full-time, employment in the Second Half in order to make up for the shortfall in our retirement portfolios.

For those who have been out of the job market for an extended period of time, this can be a very challenging time. But as with all challenges, a positive attitude, proper preparation, and a little good luck should help you find a job that will allow you to earn a steady income stream. There are numerous Web sites providing help to seniors who are looking for jobs. There are those that help you polish your résumé, sites that post your résumé, job search engines to help you find positions, and sites that list companies that hire seniors. If you decide you need to seek employment, here are some steps you can take.

Step One: Identify Your Skills

The skills that you utilized in the First Half may no longer be as relevant in today’s marketplace. Read want ads for positions you are interested in and determine if the qualifications and experience they call for match those you can claim. For example, you may find you need to update your computer skills, especially Windows-based programs. There are numerous websites offering skills inventory worksheets and programs to help you take stock of your skills as well as enabling you to assess which ones you may need to develop in the new economy. You'll be suprised after a lifetime of work and study how many skills you can legitimately claim. Just Google "skills inventory" and you are on your way.


Step Two: Update Your Skills

If you decide your skills need updating, take classes offered by local community colleges. Most offer a wide range of classes in the evening specifically targeted to adults who need to update their skills. Many of these brick-and-mortar educational institutions offer online courses you can take without leaving your home. There are, of course, a plethora of online educational institutions that also offer courses.

Step Three: Retool Your Résumé

Write a résumé making sure to highlight relevant skills and experience. Make your résumé as concise as possible to avoid appearing to be overqualified or too experienced. Emphasize your skills and relevant accomplishments rather than providing a boring chronology of where you worked, dates, etc. Think of your résumé as a biographical profile designed to differentiate you from everyone else. Remember, you have nothing to lose by separating yourself from the clutter. Once you’ve updated your skills and created a résumé, it’s time to market yourself. Keep in mind that searching for a job is a multidimensional campaign consisting of five important elements:

1. Going on line
2. Looking for companies that hire seniors
3. Answering want ads
4. Contacting recruitment agencies
5. Plugging into your network

Job Strategy #1: Going Online

Create a blog that highlights your expertise. An excellent tool is Blogger developed by Google that provides a series of blog templates you can use to post your resume. Google will also host your blog for a modest annual fee. You can also use one of a number of résumé services that can help you develop a colorful and fresh résumé. The idea is to show off your computer and other relevant skills to prospective employers. You should also use job search engines to both post your résumé and to search for jobs. Two of the more popular job search engines are Monster.com and CareerBuilder.com.

Job Strategy #2: Looking for Companies That Hire Seniors

There are a number of companies that actively recruit seniors. You can find them through the various job search engines as well as conventional search engines such as Google and Yahoo. All you need to do is type in “companies that hire seniors” and you will get extensive listings.

Job Strategy #3: Answering Want Ads

Your local paper is sure to have a want ad section listing full- and part-time jobs. Generally speaking, this is one of the least effective approaches to finding a job, but as part of an overall job search campaign, you shouldn’t overlook it. Never leave a rock unturned when job hunting.

Job Strategy #4: Contacting Recruiting Agencies

Again, not a very productive avenue for seniors. Most firms target younger individuals reflecting the demands of their client companies; but this is not to be overlooked as part of an overall job search campaign.

Job Strategy #5: Plugging Into Your Network

This is a good technique for older individuals because many jobs for seniors are not advertised. It’s a good idea to make a list of everyone you know and make sure they understand you are looking for a job. You’ll be surprised how many people get jobs using their networks. In fact it is the most productive of all the job search stratgies. When it comes to job hunting, who you know really is more important than what you know.

The most difficult part of searching for a job is remaining positive and optimistic especially since you are not in control of events. The best approach is to turn the process into a numbers game much like insurance sales professional who are taught the 10/5/1 rule. It goes like this, for every ten phone calls they make they'll book five appointments and sell one policy. Based on these ratios when a top insurance professional gets turned down for an appointment rather than feeling rejected they assume they are one phone call closer to making a sale. The job search process works much the same way. So when you feel rejected and disheartened reframe the situation by focusing on the 10/5/1 rule. I guarantee it'll turn things around for you. It did for me during some very difficult times when I was on the beach looking for work.

SEVEN SUGGESTIONS FOR MAKING FRIENDS

Several months ago my wife and I were at a local affair when a friend came over and asked me if I’d be interested in joining the Romeo Club. My wife was aghast and answered for me, “Certainly not!” she said. Detecting her angst, my friend clarified matters by explaining that the “Club” was not for ageing swingers but a club for Retired Old Men Eating Out! He and a group of about ten retired men had lunch every Friday to kid around, talk about their tennis and golf games, ruminate on new aches and pains, discuss travel plans, skewer fellow club members who couldn’t make lunch and otherwise enjoy each others company. As a recovering introvert, I politely said something to the effect that I was busy with my children but would turn up when I had a chance. Fat chance I thought at the time! I soon realized that I didn’t want to attend the lunch because I was shying away from intimacy and, therefore, losing an opportunity to make new friends. Do you suffer from the same problem? Have you been able to form new relationships now that you are retired and entering your Second Half? If so, you are not alone.

One of the things that strike me about my fellow Boomers is the lack of intimacy we have with each other. The problem particularly for men begins in school and continues through work. The primary reason is the perception that it is not manly to share feelings, or reveal too much of oneself to others. While we can survive the lack of real friendships when working, there are other things filling up our space and time, when we retire, the lack of meaningful relationships with other people can be a primary source of unhappiness, even depression. Conversely, having close friends can be a source of happiness and physical and mental well being.

If you believe you need to develop closer more intimate relationships with other people, here are some suggestions for doing this.

1. Make “Relationship” a Verb.

John Dillinger said he robbed banks because that’s where the money is. If you want to meet people make an effort to go to events, join clubs and community associations because that’s where people are. Chances are you’ll meet people who like you are interested in developing relationships. Once you meet new people staying on contact is vital. George H. Bush is regarded as one of the greatest relationship builders of all time maintaining a network of thousands of individuals around the world. He routinely sends letters, notes, clippings, makes stay in touch phone calls. His ability to build a powerful coalition in support of the Gulf War is credited to the strength and quality of the relationships he developed with other leaders.

2. Take the First Step

How many times have you gone to a meeting or social event and failed to initiate contact with another person because you didn’t want to seem pushy, or you decided the other person was too busy talking to other people, or you didn’t want the other person to think you wanted something from them? We all have these feelings because we fear not being in control or being rejected. So does the other person. As a result nothing happens and an opportunity is lost for possibly making a new friend. Remember “relationship” is a verb it requires action, your action. So take the initiative to make first contact.


3. Have Dialogues, Not Monologues.

When you meet people for the first time, let the other person do the talking. If you do all the talking you’re communicating to the other person that your needs and your ideas are more important than theirs. As a result, trust and credibility two ingredients essential to lasting relationships go out the window. When you make an effort to ask questions and understand the other person they feel you are interested in them, not in what they can do for you. A good approach for building rapport and establishing common ground is to ask open-ended questions, which don’t require a yes or no answer.

4. Stay Positive

There is nothing more harmful to a relationship than being negative, and judgmental. Build people up. When you do they will go through brick walls for you. When there is a legitimate disagreement on an issue remember to be easy on the person and hard on the issue. The other person will respect you for making the distinction.

5. Be There

When you are dealing with someone give them your undivided attention. Pay attention to feelings. Ask follow up questions. Nod, show empathy. Don’t challenge or disagree prematurely. And, don’t interpret what you hear through your own experience. People who’ve met Bill Clinton invariably say that he made them feel they were the most important person on the planet. Although he is one of the most famous people in the world he understands the importance of being there, so can you.

6. Pay Attention to Non-Verbals

You’ve heard the expression that actions speak louder than words, well it’s true. What you say is less important than how you say it and even less important than your body language. Communication experts agree that body language accounts for 55% of communication effectiveness, how you say it accounts for about 35% and what you say accounts for only 10%! If you are telling someone you want their opinion while looking at your watch. Guess which message is heard?

7. Be Yourself

No one likes a phony. When your are an authentic person who shares their feelings other people are drawn to you. Authentic people don’t pretend they have all the answers. They are not afraid to admit they are wrong or capable of making mistakes. Studies show that people who admit they are wrong and acknowledge mistakes are more attractive and desirable as partners and friends. When you are authentic it allows other people to be authentic. Shakespeare gave us good advice saying, “To thine own self be true.”

John Dunne said no man is an island unto himself. We are social animals whose very happiness and well being is dependent on having relationships with other people. So if you want to be happier and add years to your life make it your business to develop close relationships with other people by turning relationship into a verb, when you have a chance to meet people listen more and talk less, be present when dealing with them, stay positive, and watch the non verbals. And most of all, as Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true.” If you do, you’ll develop strong relationships with the people around you and achieve the kind of happiness you want and deserve.

HOW TO PUT A STAKE THROUGH YOUR FALSE SELF

I initially became a social scientist because I wanted to understand myself. Why was I insecure? Why did I need the approval of other people? Why did I have dark moods? Why was I angry? These were the kinds of questions about myself that fueled a lifetime interest in human behavior. Have I found the answers? To some extent. One of the breakthroughs for me was the realization that I created a false self to earn the approval and esteem of others, especially my parents, teachers and other authority figures. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, this caused me to act out in negative, self-destructive ways.

Alice Miller the eminent psychiatrist chronicles this phenomenon in
her book For Your Own Good which is a must read for anyone who wants to understand how parenting impacts us as adults. According to Miller, parents often extol their children to behave or think in some prescribed manner; for example, what to wear to school. When the child resists the parent proclaims it’s for the child’s own good they dress in the required manner. However, according to Dr. Miller the child perceives it’s for their parents own good but in order to gain love and approval they obey or conform. The effect of these repeated interactions are the child loses their sense of self or identity. This comes to a head when as adults we have what Miller calls a “narcissistic disturbance”, the realization that the person we see in the mirror is not the person we really are. One of the ironies of Miller’s theory is that we often repeat the sins of our parents with our own children by urging them to conform to our needs and expectations for their own good. I have to constantly be on guard to avoid this.

If the false self is created out of an understandable but misguided need to win the approval of others, how can we put a stake through its heart and find our true or authentic self? Before answering the question, have you had a narcissistic disturbance? Have you felt at three o’clock in the morning in the dark night of the soul that you are not the person you want to be? If the answer is “yes” you have taken a giant step toward becoming the real or authentic you. One of the defenses we create to avoid pain and suffering is denial. It is only through our willingness to suffer and confront the ugly truth about ourselves that we can find happiness and contentment. I had such an experience over a dozen years ago when I realized that the way I dressed, the way I spoke, the things I said were all part of an elaborate conspiracy to impress and win the approval of others. That realization caused me to breakdown in tears as I began the process of discovering and then accepting the real me. The first thing I did was come to grips with the fact I was not perfect and that God loved me anyway. It’s called unconditional love and is the complete opposite of the parental love described by Alice Miller. It logically follows that if God created us in his image we are perfect in his sight and therefore called to love ourselves as his creation. Remember, the Golden Rule tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. This means loving ourselves in a healthy not a narcissistic way.

As a result of my own narcissistic disturbance, I no longer need to search for love in all the wrong places by trying to win the approval of others and being hurt, moody and angry when my narcissistic needs are not met. Sure, I still have my ups and down with occasional visits to my dark side but they are fewer and fewer and when they do take place I have someone to turn to. As I say to my children, God gave us knees for a purpose.

SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT MARRIAGE IN THE SECOND HALF

Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities begins, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Although he was referring to France during the Revolution, he could’ve been referring to our marriages especially as we enter the Second Half. At first it is the worst of times as both spouses find their lives disrupted since one of them is now in the house, not in the office or some other workplace. This places stress on the relationship as both parties seek to adjust to a range of issues including where they will live, how much they can spend, and who will pay the bills. However, the evidence suggests that if couples can successfully work through the many issues associated with retirement, the odds are that it can be the best of times for their marriage. In fact, many couples claim they are happier and more fulfilled in the Second Half than at any other time during their marriage. One of the reasons is that with children out of the nest couples have more time to focus on each other’s needs.

According to Wendy Scarf in her book September Song, there may be another reason, time. Here’s what she discovered after interviewing a number of divorced and still married couples. Scarf says most marriages resemble U-shaped curves. They begin on a high note with the honeymoon then inevitably the couple becomes more familiar with and more critical of each other. They often struggle with financial and family issues; they become less satisfied; and some begin to stray. Eventually, they reach the bottom part of the U curve and for an extended period of time are dissatisfied with the marriage. During this period, divorce becomes an option. However, those who avoided divorce and stayed together through difficult times reported they were happier and more fulfilled in their marriages in the Second Half than at any other time. Ironically, Scarf found that after five years, the individuals who were unhappily married and divorced reported they were unhappier than their counterparts who also were unhappily married but remained with their spouses. Scarf’s conclusion: one of the benefits of increased life expectancy over the last thirty years is that if we remain in our marriages long enough there is a good chance we will outlast the bad times. Admittedly, it takes a lot of effort to build or strengthen a relationship. But the rewards are worth it, because as the research shows, having a happy marriage can ease one of life’s difficult transitions.
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Which begs the question, why do people who are unhappily married persevere in their marriage? According to Scarf, some individuals believe divorce is immoral. Others remain out of loyalty—e.g., their spouses helped them while they were in school or their spouse supported them emotionally during a crisis. Still others remain in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage because the financial cost of divorce is too great; they choose money over happiness. In some cases, couples who chose to remain in unhappy marriages live parallel lives and might as well be divorced. Regardless of the reason couples stay together, the implications of Scarf’s research is clear: if your marriage is experiencing turmoil and conflict as you enter the Second Half, ride it out rather than get a divorce. Odds are you’ll be a lot happier if you do.

IF MONEY DOESN'T BUY HAPPINESS, WHAT DOES?

In an earlier post I suggested that money doesn't buy happiness. I know this is hard to beleive especially when we have less of it than we did a year ago. But I am sticking to my guns.

So,what does buy happiness? You'll be happy to know there is remarkable consensus among psychologist about the subject. Most beleive our ability to achieve happiness results from several factors including, having a set of core values and beliefs, maintaining a loving, stable marriage, developing meaningful relationships, engaging in altruistic behavior, making a commitment to learning and growing, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Possessing Core Values and Beliefs

Why am I here? What’s important in my life? How should I behave? Are three of the most significant questions we wrestle with throughout our lives. Many people in contemporary American culture find the answers to these questions by observing other people rather than from independent theological or philosophical inquiry and personal reflection. As result, our beliefs are often ephemeral changing with the times and situations in which we finds themselves. For starters we all need a reason to get up in the morning especially during our Second Half when we no longer go to work. Stephen Covey says we need to find our True North. Without it one is likely to wander aimlessly through the Second Half making trivial things important often turning to alcohol and other vices to escape the inevitable boredom and pain. Not surprisingly, people who lack purpose are more likely to suffer from depression, have a higher incidence of illness and have lower life expectancy than people who have a sense of purpose. If you believe happiness research on as we mature and enter the Second Half if we need to find our purpose, decide what is important in our lives and develop a set of values address to guide our behavior.

Maintaining a Loving, Stable Marriage

Another important ingredient for achieving happiness and well being in the Second Half is having a loving and supportive spouse, or significant other. Sustaining a healthy marriage takes a great deal of effort on the part of both parties. There must be mutual support, respect, understanding and no small measure of forgiveness. Sadly, most studies reveal that marriages are often fraught with conflict and disagreements over children, in-laws, money and sex. The ones that last do so because both parties reach a point where they acknowledge that being together is preferable to being alone and are able to accept each other’s imperfections. Once this level of understanding is attained the focus becomes less upon what one’s partner is doing, or not doing, and more on how both parties can communicate better and become more focused on each other’s needs.

Developing Meaningful Relationships

One of the things we lose when we leave work and enter the Second Half are relationships with other people. Some of us are exceptionally good at net working and make it a point to stay in touch with close friends as well as being very adept at making new friends. This is important to our happiness and well-being for a number of reasons. Friends help us see the world differently, they help us from becoming isolated and lonely, and they are a source of solace and comfort during hard times. Friends keep us honest and accountable by telling us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear. Good friends cushion us against the vagaries of life and the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. When we have friends we are less self- absorbed with our focus directed toward their needs. This is the reason friends are a source of happiness and well being in the Second Half

Engaging in Altruistic Behavior

The evidence strongly suggest that becoming involved in altruistic activity is a key factor in achieving happiness and well being in the Second Half. This includes performing volunteer work, or finding a second career in a community service role or healthcare business, or even becoming a social entrepreneur. We are built to serve. It is an integral part of our humanity. It is very easy in as we enter the Second Half to become obsessed with our own needs. When we do it can lead to social isolation, cynicism and negativity, ingredients that can lead to a host of mental and physical breakdowns as we become older.

Making a Commitment to Learning and Growing

“Tis a healthy mind that makes the body.” rich said Shakespeare.
Some years ago a fund raising advertisement reminded us that a mind is a terrible thing to waste. How true especially in our Second Half if we want to be happy and fulfilled. This is one of the reasons colleges and universities are offering a hundreds of courses and programs to retired Boomers. Classes range from how to poach salmon to understanding the Laffer curve to why the English lost the American Revolution. I know one person who attended law school and earned his degree at age 70. Without making a commitment to learning and growing during the Second Half we become cynical and stale retreating into old ways of thinking and doing that prevent us from enjoying life.

Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle

Avoiding a sedentary life style and being physically active has a host of benefits especially in the Second Half. One doesn’t have to join a health club or gym despite the fact many are offering programs for older citizens. There are numerous opportunities for exercise in the normal course of one’s day including cutting the lawn, working around the house, walking in the neighborhood or local mall. Among many benefits, exercise slows down the aging processes, reduces stress, boosts the immune system, improves mental acuity and improves sleep. Most of all, a healthy regimen of exercise coupled with a healthy diet helps keep our weight down which in and of itself is a key factor in life expectancy.

Dr. George Vaillant who led the remarkable Harvard Study on Aging noted with a great deal of optimism that all the factors that lead to successful aging are controllable. As a result, there is every reason to believe with some effort and the appropriate behavioral change model each of us can find the happiness and well-being we deserve in the Second Half.

A MEANINGFUL RESPITE

I just returned from vacationing in Florida with my wife. No children. One was in school in Philadelphia. The other was in lacrosse camp also in Florida. Before leaving I decided not to bring my laptop as a way of breaking my addiction to the internet. The downside for me at least, I was unable to blog. Perhaps as a consequence I had an opportunity to reflect on my good fortune amidst the rubble left by Wall Street and a negligent body politic and the serious damage they both did to our retirement portfolio and my self confidence.

The first thing I realized the minute I arrived in Florida was that I have a wonderful wife. I discovered that the things which attracted me to her when we first met at a faculty party in Chapel Hill over thirty years ago were still there. She was fun, she was caring, she was loving and she was easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, with the hurly burly of career, home, kids, bill paying, social obligations and the like I became inured to her qualities and all to often focused on the negative aspects of our relationship. I now realize more than ever, as I mentioned in a previous blog, relationships don’t fail because two people fall out of love, they fail because of neglect. This is the reason we all need schedule time alone with our spouses whether it be to travel, have dinner, go for a long walk or have a glass of wine by the fire. In a sense when we retire and enter the Second Half we must reintroduce ourselves to our spouses and awaken or rekindle what was lost due to the fact we often placed greater emphasis on our careers and what it gave us and less emphasis on our relationships with our spouses.

I also found out that less really can be more. We secured an amazing internet rate of $127 for a room in a hotel on the beach outside of Miami Beach. It was modest in every respect. The rooms were circa 1960’s kitschy with garish bedspreads and wall hangings. The bathroom was the size of a hall closet. The room TV had no more than twelve channels and the reception was grainy with a double image to boot. Breakfast was served on Styrofoam plates and plastic forks. But, the place was spotless, the staff polite and attentive and most important the sun and the sand were exactly the same as the Ritz Carlton up the street which was four or five times more expensive. We had a great time and can’t wait to book a room next year no matter what happens on Wall Street.

While in Florida we had an opportunity to renew acquaintances with old friends who had moved from the New York metropolitan area where we live. We were struck by how quickly relationships pick right up even though months and even years go by. I realized that the ties that bind are truly hard to break and that in itself is good news. Because, the evidence is overwhelming that having a network of friends is a critical factor in promoting happiness and well-being as we get older. As a result it is important that we go the extra mile to stay in touch with friends who have moved away. Like our marriages, relationships die from neglect. In order to avoid this there is something called the Rule of Seven which states that in order to maintain relationships we should try to make contact seven times a year through emails, phone calls, mailing news clippings, sending candy grams, etc. It takes effort but we’ve committed to giving it a try.

Finally and perhaps best of all, I realized that all my worrying and concerns were a waste of time because whether my mental image of the future was positive and optimistic or negative and pessimistic I am really lousy and making predictions. This hit home as I was laying in the sun and day dreaming about what was and what might be and I concluded that the personal events in my life that had the greatest impact both negative and positive, for example, the career I chose, the person I married, the place where I lived as well as larger socio-economic, political events such as 9/11 and the current economic crisis all occurred seemingly out of left field. It struck me that my entire educational background was predicated on the idea that the more we know the better we are at predicting the future. When in reality, what we don’t know is far more important. For example, we didn’t know about credit default swaps or that Mohammed Atta was learning to fly but not land a jumbo jet. Had the collective “we” known about them,the future would have been quite different. If you doubt the veracity of what I am saying that’s ok but for the heck of it, list the events in your life that had the greatest impact and see if you predicted them.

Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled wrote a wonderful chapter on “Grace” which he defined as God’s unmerited favor. Getting away for a week helped me realize that my relationship with my wife, our ability to enjoy a more simple vacation, the renewing of old friendships and the realization that trying to predict the future is foolish are in the final analysis are examples of grace and worthy of thanks and praise. I hope you will reflect on your good fortune in these tough times and find that there is much to be thankful for as well.

LOWER YOUR STRESS, COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SPOUSE

When couples enter the Second Half they have many pressing issues to deal with including, the aging process, finances, medical problems, where to live, relationships with children and other family members, making legal decisions and other issues that can strain even the best of marriages. The key to dealing with these issues is communications. Here are some ideas about how to communicate more effectively with our spouse:

-Figure out what you want to say. Before you talk with your spouse about something, make sure you know what you want to tell him or her to minimize possible misunderstandings.

-Decide what you need from your spouse. You are more likely to get your needs met, whether it be a hug or an answer to a question, if you know what you want.

-Use good judgment in timing. Is your spouse sick or preparing for a big meeting at work? Consider your partner’s state of mind when choosing a time to talk.

-Make eye contact. Your spouse will be more likely to listen and hear you if you are looking right at each other.

-Get your spouse’s undivided attention. You will not be heard if your spouse is thinking about something else when you are trying to talk with him or her.

-Be a good listener. By being attentive to your spouse, you will have a more productive discussion.

-Don’t get into heated arguments with your spouse when you are talking on the telephone. Conflicts are much better resolved in person.

-Confirm that you were heard. Ask your spouse if he or she fully understands what you just said. Then, and only then, will your spouse be able to respond properly.

-After your spouse has told you something, rephrase what he or she has said. This will let your spouse know for sure that you’ve heard what he or she is saying.

-Schedule a better discussion time if necessary. Sometimes it’s just not possible to get your spouse’s attention at the exact moment that you want it.

Remember that communication is a two-way street. If both of you follow these steps you will strengthen your relationship with your spouse. As I mentioned earlier, poor communications lies at the heart of most of the conflict and stress couples have as they enter the Second Half. It results in increasing doubt and uncertainty about the future. This, in turn, increases the level of stress. The best approach for dealing with stress is to focus on building mutual trust and empathy by becoming a better listener. So, when you are having a discussion with your spouse be present. Give them your full attention. Make eye contact. Don’t let your eye or your attention wander. This is an essential part of effective communications and bears repeating.

In addition to being a better communicator there are other things you can do to build your relationship with your spouse. One of the things men feel when they retire is a lack of respect from their spouse. This is often results in the husband becoming disengaged or angry. If you feel disrespected tell your spouse then forgive them and move on. Keep in mind, you have little power to change your partner but great power to change yourself. Determine what you can do to be a better spouse then spend time and energy moving toward that goal. Take responsibility for creating a good marriage with the full knowledge of the difficulties involved. A good practice is to schedule one hour a day for time together to communicate mutual needs and wants, to affirm and validate each other, to be each others best critic and, most important to take the opportunity to be romantic and loving towards each other. Remember, marriages fail from neglect not from one or the other partners falling out of love.

YOUR MIND, IT'S A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE

Disraeli, Prime Minister of England during Queen Victoria’s reign, said, “Nurture your mind with great thoughts.” Studies have consistently shown that Disraeli’s exhortation is good for our health, our happiness and our sense of well-being. As it turns out mental gymnastics are as important as physical gymnastics because anything that requires us to think and concentrate challenges our brains and helps wards off the effects of aging. As a result, if you like to play chess, bridge or a musical instrument, do not let old age stop you. And if you don’t, here are a couple of other suggestions for you to ward of father time!

Continue Your Formal Education

Almost every college and university in the country offers courses and degrees for adult learners. Courses can range from the classics to history to foreign languages to more practical subjects such as financial and retirement planning. There are numerous on line courses offered by both traditional brick and mortar institutions as well as new online, virtual “universities.” I have a friend who earned a law degree on line at age seventy who subsequently served as an intern in Mubai, India. He is aging well.

Keep a Daily Journal

I’ve been doing this since I retired and entered my Second Half. I generally do it early in the morning after reading the Bible and praying. I write about things I need to do in my Christian walk as well as reflect on my experiences the day before. I also use my journal to put down goals I want to achieve then refer back to those goals later to see if I achieved them. Reflecting and questioning keeps me engaged spiritually and mentally.

Commit Favorite Poems or Famous Passages to Memory

I attended an off Broadway one man show in which the actor Alec McGowan recited the Gospel of St. Mark without notes or a script. He’d committed the entire work to memory. If you can repeat his feat I am sure it’ll help your brain function more effectively because it’s like a muscle that gains strength when exercised. Committing a poem or address to memory, even memorizing the lyrics to a favorite song is good for the brain. Start with something that’s not too long then gradually work your way up to lengthier pieces.

Read Great Books

Reading books that are challenging or which stimulate interest in new things is a good form of mental stimulation. I've made a list of the great books and hope to make a dent in the list by the end of the year. I have a friend who bought Will and Ariel Durant’s eleven or twelve volumes, oops I can’t quite remember, on the rise of western civilization. I have another friend who became an expert on a particular type of German clocks. In both instances the two people remained intellectually engaged and stimulated in well into their Second Half

Do Puzzles

A number of researchers have argued about the virtues of doing crossword puzzles and other word games as a way of exercising the brain. I am assuming the harder the puzzle the greater the benefit. My personal favorite would have to be the crossword puzzle in the New York Times Sunday magazine. My best effort was somewhere around 5% completed!

Use the Opposite Hand

Try, brushing your teeth, using a fork, dusting the furniture, writing a letter with your opposite hand. Believe it or not, using your opposite hand i.e. if you are right handed use your left hand, to do simple tasks is a very good brain exercise because it forces you to focus and concentrate more intensely.
Other activities for improving mental acuity are learning a foreign language, taking piano lessons, leaning how to cook.

Remember, one of the best ways to slow down the aging process in the Second Half is to exercise the brain by using it. As the saying goes the mind is a terrible thing to waste! So don’t procrastinate (the subject of an earlier blog) and get started exercising your mind. You’ll ward off the effect of aging and be happier and more fulfilled.

IT'S TIME FOR BOOMERS TO HIT THE RESET BUTTON

In a recent post I made the obvious point that these are tough times for Boomers. We have far less in our bank accounts, 401ks, IRA’s and piggy banks than we did last year and there is there is no one who can predict with any certitude when the hemorrhaging will stop! Given this stark reality we can become passive victims and wring our hands or we can hit the reset button and change the circumstances of our lives. I suggest the latter. We have to reset our focus from doing more to being more. We have to reset our value system. And, we have to reset our expectations.

One of the hallmarks of our Boomer generation was the idea if we worked hard we could have it all. This was driven by the belief that our self worth was based on achieving the Good Life as measured by the money we possessed, the houses we lived in, the cars we owned, the vacations we took, the youthful countenance we preserved, the schools our kids attended, the status and power we enjoyed, and much more. The drive to acquire these accouterments of the Good Life was fueled in great part by the advertising/marketing/ mass media complex which bombarded us with messages reinforcing the idea that doing more would lead us to having more and then being more. They did their job so well that millions of us funded our Good Life on a mountain of debt that many now believe got us into the pickle we’re in. What is ironic, as mentioned in an earlier post, the evidence suggests achieving the Good Life made us no happier because we were on a hedonic treadmill and couldn’t get off. Now we are forced to at least slow the treadmill down or get off completely. To do this we will have to reset how we measure our self worth.

One measure of our self worth resides in our ability to act out our lives consistent with our values and beliefs. This is what being more is about. Shakespeare put it best saying, to thine own self be true. Values are the beliefs we hold about what is good and true and should be the foundation upon which we think, act and behave no matter the circumstances. Take Lillian Hellman, the writer, for example, who when called to testify and rat out her friends during the McCarthy hearings refused to do so saying “I will not cut my conscience to fit today’s fashions.” She lived her values. Summing up the importance of values and beliefs one writer said, “How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to know what really matters most.” Lillian Hellman knew the answer.

What should matter most to us at a time like this? A look back into our history gives us a clue. When the early settlers pushed West and faced hardship beyond anything we’re currently experiencing they adapted and survived by embracing such values as trustworthiness, frugality, integrity, hard work, self reliance, inventiveness, risk taking, community, sharing, belief in God. Had these values operated in contemporary culture life would be very different. We’d undoubtedly have had less stuff but gained a greater sense of well-being. As you ponder your circumstances is it time to do a value check? What do you believe? What is good and true? Is it time to hit the reset button on your value system?

I remember during the early days of Nixon’s administration some one said it was time to stem the tide of rising expectations. Although they were referring to the expectations of the underclass—Nixon and his henchmen wanted to cut back on entitlement spending, I believe we need to apply the concept to ourselves and reset our once rising expectations about how we spend money and what we get in return. One way to escape the cycle of conspicuous consumption and get off the hedonic treadmill is to reject fads, fashion, the latest technology, bells and whistles we don’t need on the cars and PC’s we purchase, professional services we no longer need—start with elaborate financial plans, expensive resort vacations and a host of other considered purchases. In the new world, less really will be more. We should demand quality, durability and value for money from whomever we do business with and boycott those who continue to exist in the conspicuous consumption marketplace believing as one ad proclaimed, image is everything! We know better.

One last word, as I mentioned in an earlier paragraph, one of the basic values this country was founded on is belief in God. I am a person of faith and initially believed that a blog helping Boomers navigate their way through their Second Half shouldn’t have spiritual or religious overtones for fear of turning off people who may not share my beliefs. As I was editing the first draft of this post and thinking about my personal response to having less money and diminished expectations about living the Good Life I realized it was impossible for me to leave God out of the equation. I offer no apologies. You see I believe God is trying to get our attention. He warns us throughout the Bible that if we worship money and make it our God instead of Him it will destroy us not physically but spiritually. St. Paul in one of his epistles warns us to keep our lives free from the love of money. Having or accumulating money is not in itself wrong. What is wrong is making it our God, the thing that we spend most of out time thinking and worrying about. I believe God is quite clear that we are called to love Him and love our neighbor. He isn’t calling us to love money and love things. If we keep this in mind this may be the best reset of all.

TWELVE LESSONS FOR BOOMERS ABOUT INVESTING LEARNED THE HARD WAY

Let me say upfront, I am not a financial planner, I am a Boomer who became a consumer of financial services out of necessity. After much research and study I concluded that no one will look after my finances more diligently than me. The same applies to you. Admittedly I have made some good calls and some really, really stupid ones. But then, so has Warren Buffett as he admitted in his recent address to shareholders of Berkshire Hathaway. We’re all going to make mistakes. The smart ones amongst learn from them, so should you. So, quit beating yourself up if you’ve screwed up. With this collective "Mea Culpa" out of the way, here are twelve lessons about investing that I Iearned the hard way that hold true in good times and bad. Hope they help you as much as they helped me

Rule # 1: Be Thou Ever So Humble

In 1999 my portfolio outperformed the indexes by a very healthy margin. I felt like a master of the universe. The following year my portfolio went into free fall and crashed. I was crushed. The internet bubble burst and I wondered if I’d recover my ego as well as the money I lost. As a first step in my recovery I read every thing I could get my hands on about investing and portfolio management. I realized that when you make money in the market you’re never as good as you think you are and when you lose money you’re never as stupid as you think you are. The fact of the matter is that eight out of ten stocks follow the market. When the market goes up so do they, and vice versa. So be humble and never lose sight of this fact of investment life.

Rule #2: You Will Lose Money in the Market

If everyone was guaranteed they would make money in the market Las Vegas would go out of business. Once you decide to buy stocks expect to lose money at some point. When this happens don’t panic and pull out. Stay the course because over the long term you will make money in the market. The challenge is to manage your emotions. To put things in perspective your return from 1970 through 2007, according to Fund Advice.com, had you invested only in stocks you would have realized a gain of 13.7% but lost money in seven of those years. The loses we are experiencing now are unprecedented in our lifetime. No one expected it. To keep things in perspective, however, if the market can lose half its value in six months it can regain it in six months.

Rule #3: Take the Long Term View

It is very difficult to avoid constantly checking the market thanks to the proliferation of cable channels offering financial news including second by second tick of the major indexes. I have to constantly remind myself that I am a long term investor not a day trader and daily market fluctuations whether to the upside or downside should have little or no impact on my state of well-being. Put it this way, I have to be more like Warren Buffet and less like Jim Cramer. So must you if you are to avoid becoming addicted to financial porn. Most experts still agree that the stock market will grow close to a healthy eight percent over the long term which means stocks will outperform all other securities including bonds and money market funds. So, if you want to avoid getting an ulcer turn off the financial cable channels and watch Oprah or Dr. Phil. You’ll sleep better!

Rule #5: With Reward Comes Risk

I know every investor understands that with reward comes risk. But here goes any way. Risk and reward is the relationship between possible risk and possible reward which holds for a particular situation. To realize greater reward one must generally accept a greater risk, and vice versa. This is referred to as the risk/return tradeoff. From an investment perspective this means that when we chase higher returns for example, purchasing an emerging market mutual fund that has produced historically high returns, we have to prepare ourselves for greater risk on the downside. In other words, the greater the projected return the higher the risk.

Rule #6: Pay Attention to Asset Allocation

Studies show that 90% of a portfolio’s return is determined by the mix of stock, bonds, cash equivalents. Broadly speaking it also includes real estate, precious metals and other investment categories. The underlying rationale for asset allocation is to balance risk and reward because different asset classes behave quite differently. For example, when stocks go up, bonds typically go down. More significant, bonds are more stable than stocks but not as financially rewarding. The lower the ratio of equities to fixed income the lower the return and the lower the volatility. If you are not sure how much to put in fixed income follow John Bartle’s advice, he’s the founder of Vanguard Investments and the father of index funds, and allocate an amount equal to your age. For example, if you are 65 allocate 65% to fixed income securities and 35% to equities.

Rule #7: Choose Index Funds Over Managed Funds

Over the long term index funds are safer and outperform managed funds. Did you know that in any given year only 25% of managed funds outperform the market? There is no guarantee that a fund that beats the index will replicate the feat the following year. Yet the average expense ratio for managed funds is 1.5% of the funds assets. This is charged regardless of its annual return. In contrast the typical fee for an index fund is around .25%. Vanguard’s S&P 500 Fund has a fee of only .18%. Adding to the cost of managed funds is their annual turnover, put at around 95% which drives up annual transaction costs. Taking this into account, over the long term index funds which mirror a given market, e.g., S&P 500, emerging market, international value, and US small cap funds will out perform, have lower risk and be less expensive than managed funds.

Rule #8: Create a Balanced Portfolio

Once I was sold on index funds and asset allocation I developed a balanced portfolio consisting of 60% equities and 40% fixed income. I split equities 50-50 between US and international funds. Then, within each I further diversified equities between small and large cap and between growth and value funds. In this manner, I had a portfolio that gave me growth while simultaneously lessening some of the down side risk inherent in investing for the long term. That being said, my portfolio declined in 2008 and is not doing so hot this year. In the last twelve months it has declined 25% which is gut wrenching but it would have been at least twice as bad had I not created a balanced portfolio.

Rule #9: Don’t Try to Time the Market

In an ideal world we’d love to know when the market is going up and when it is going down so we can determine when its time to buy or sell. There are traders who use technical analysis who claim they can predict when the price of individual stocks will rise and fall. Others say predicting the rise and fall of stocks is a crap shoot at best. The evidence suggests that buying shares in first rate companies or buying a diversified basket of index funds and holding on to them for the long term is the best approach. The reason is, the market is unpredictable. The big question we are facing now is knowing when the bottom of the bear market will be reached. The answer is impossible to predict. We do know that bear market bottoms are often followed by swift recoveries. If you get out and stayed out of the market while it it's going down chances are you will miss the first few days of the upturn and not recover some of the ground you lost. Again, no one knows the direction of the market so if you can avoid a swift pull out you may be better off staying put.

Rule #10: The Past Won't Predict the Future

When I began investing I chased returns by looking for the hot stocks and hot funds touted by the many financial publications and websites catering to the amateur investor. I remember funds exclaiming they beat the Lipper or Morningstar or some other benchmark for the previous 12 months. These funds are just as likely to under perform the next year. In 2007 Standard and Poor’s found that over a five year period mutual funds that outperformed their benchmark index often failed to repeat their performance the following year. Another study found that random chance played as big a role as any factor, e.g. fund manager’s experience, fund family, in determining their ability to outperform their relevant benchmark! So pay very little attention to past performance. But, if you must you are better of looking at a longer horizon of five or even ten years.

Rule #11: Don’t Play With House Money

Gamblers love to play with house money. I’m referring to another type of house money, the money you need to keep in ready cash to pay for annual living expenses. I believe it makes sense to keep three years living expenses out of the market during this traumatic time. I did. When the market starts its recovery it will be tempting to leverage as many dollars as you can to recoup from steep losses. Try not to. Keep money you will need to pay for necessities including food, clothing and shelter in reserve. If you are in your Second Half have a bigger cushion than if you were employed. Err on the conservative side.

Rule #12: There is No Free Lunch

The final lesson I Iearned is one of the first laws of economics is, there is no free lunch. Everything has a price, nothing is free. I remind my children of this whenever I can. My son told me he was given a free PC by his college at the beginning of his freshman year. I used his comment as a teaching moment advising him that I was quite sure his $45,000 tuition bill included the price of his “free” PC. Nothing is free, and if something seems free look for the back door entrance through which you are being charged. For example, a redemption fee if you purchase a no load mutual fund.

As I was writing this post it occurred to me that someone may suggest there is only one investing lesson DON'T! At the risk of sounding Pollyannaish, although these are tough times we will come out of it bigger, better and stronger. I believe this deeply. After all, aren’t we the most entrepreneurial, productive, innovative and hard working nation on the face of this earth? That’s the main reason for investing in the market in the first place even though it is a stomach turning time for all of us. So put on your helmet, tighten your chinstrap, tie your laces and hitch up your pants and get in the game because there are better days ahead.

ALTRUISM: IT'S GOOD TO BE GOOD!

Did you know that if you are a retired Boomer it is good to be good? Keeping this sage advice in mind, during this economic crisis most Boomers including myself will be a lot happier if we avoid becoming preoccupied with our situation and remember there are people around us who are far worse off. As each day brings news of layoffs across every industry and region of the country with many families no longer able to meet basic needs there are many opportunities in our communities to help. I know where I live many churches and synagogues sponsor food drives for needy families and depend on volunteers to collect deliver food to those who need it. There are undoubtedly similar opportunities to serve others in your community.

Each of us has a set of unique talents and abilities developed over the course of a lifetime. During these difficult times we have an obligation to utilize those skills to help others in need. All it takes is a willing heart and the realization that when we act on behalf of our best intentions we benefit at least as much and probably more than those we serve. Almost every research study I have read, most notably the Harvard Study on Aging, agrees with this point suggesting that altruism is one of the key factors promoting happiness and well-being especially for seniors, i.e. Boomers in their Second Half. Altruism is good for us because when we are helping others we become less absorbed in our daily troubles and concerns which, when compared to the plight of others can seem trivial and unimportant. And, for you hedonists out there, altruism makes us happy because it’s wired into the brain. This was the conclusion of a study conducted by the US Government National Institutes of Health in which volunteers were asked to imagine two scenarios. One was keeping a large amount of cash for themselves another was giving it away. The study found that the more generous scenario activated a primitive part of the brain that usually lights up in response to food or sex!.

Alexis DeTocqueville, who traveled throughout the United States in the early 19th century, observd that we were a nation who believed neighbor should help neighbor during tough times whether it meant lending a shoulder to help push a wagon out of the mud or share flour when food ran out or console a wife whose husband died from fever. According to DeTocqueville, helping was more than a matter of survival it was a moral obligation and part of the American character, lest we forget. So if you find yourself endlessly ruminating about the economy and the market and putting yourself in a lousy mood get up, get out and get going and do something for your neighbor. And while you are doing it remember what Albert Schweitzer said, “I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve others.”

TOUGH TIMES FOR BOOMERS

For most Boomers in their Second Half these are the times that tries men’s souls. With retirement portfolios heading south the economy in the tank and the job market even for so called "survival" jobs shrinking Thomas Paine’s dictum rings painfully true for many Boomers who now have to put their hopes and dreams for the Second Half on hold as they figure out what to do next. As for myself, my portfolio has taken a beating and the retirement plan I developed now looks naively optimistic. My initial response was anger, fear and loathing. But after months of lousy news I have adjusted to the new reality and am now trying to get things on track. Here is what I am doing.

An important lessons of Victor Frankl’s account of life in a death camp, Man’s Search for Meaning is one of the last great freedoms is our ability to chose what we think. That insight enabled him to survive Auschwitz and will enable us to survive our present trials, which pale by comparison. It is very easy for us to create doomsday scenarios if we believe everything we hear from some of the shrill, hysterical so called reporters on cable TV. As a result I quit watching cable news. Instead, I try to replace negative, self defeating thoughts when they occur with positive ones and remind myself that I can control what I think. As the saying goes, its not what happens that matters, its what you do with what happens that matters.

Once that hurdle was made, I decided to focus on what else I could control. An obvious area were my costs. I learned in business when revenue goes down, costs follow. Bearing this in mind, I went through my annual expenses and classified them as fixed and variable. For example, I classified my mortgage, my kid's college tuition, and property tax as fixed expenses and the lawn service, vacations, telephone as variable costs. Once I completed classifying my expenses I looked for ways to either reduce or eliminate variable expenses. Thus the lawn service and vacations were eliminated and a phone line cancelled thereby reducing phone expenses.

The third thing I did was search for opportunities to apply the skills I developed as a college instructor, corporate executive and management consultant to generate additional income to supplement my retirement portfolio. I concluded I didn't need to find a “survival” job at this time. Instead, I decided to develop a seminar business to equip retired Boomers to deal more effectively with important areas of their lives including their finances, marriages, health, mental development and relationships with other people. I concluded seminars would be more affordable for people who wanted help rather than one on one coaching sessions which tend to be more expensive.

The last thing I did was abandon my belief in models predicting the future, especially financial planning models. Nassim Nicholas Taleb in his book the Black Swan positing that we are not very good at predicting major events because we are more focused on what we know and fail to take into account what we don’t know. Consequently, those who were responsible for protecting us failed to predict 9/11 just as those who were responsible for managing the economy failed to predict the recent implosion on Wall Street. All the propeller heads and quant mathematicians in the world with all their fancy models can’t put Humpty Dumpy back again. So, no more financial plans for me!

Where does his leave me, or you if you agree with me? I am simplifying my life by living within my means. I am practicing what I preach about the role of money in my life-- it’s not my life. Even though,I am still hoping that what goes down eventually goes up. And I am paying more attention to my intangible assets especially my values and beliefs and trusting that David Halberstam was right when he wrote in Breaks of the Game::

Fame is a vapor
Popularity an accident
And money has wings
The only thing that endures in life is character”

AUTHENTICITY AND HAPPINESS

One of the greatest callenges we Boomers deal with as we enter the Second Half is becoming more authentic.

This hit home for me not long ago. One of the last vestiges of my life as a corporate executive were the expensive suits, shirts and ties I wore to work certifying I was someone to be reckoned with. No general or admiral wore the symbols of rank more proudly than I did. They were now hanging in my closet at parade rest. But, a funny thing happened. One day I went into the closet in search of something, I don’t recall what it was, and looked at my executive wardrobe and said to myself, I once knew that guy! I decided on the spot to get rid of my past but more important I wanted to regain my identity and authenticity.

Irving Goffman wrote a fascinating book some years ago called, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. Using a theatre metaphor Goffman’s claimed that each of us has a front stage and a back stage. Our “front stage” is the image or persona we create to impress and ultimately influence others around us. Our office, tone of voice, posture, the car we drive are part of our front stage. My wardrobe was part of my front stage. Our "back stage" is who we really are with all of our fears, doubts, strengths, weaknesses; the sum total of who we are. There is an old saying that no one is a hero to their butler. The butler sees their master’s backstage as do our wives and children and family pet. The danger is, unlike the butler and members of our family many of us believe our front stage is who we really are and invest a lot of time and effort protecting it. Which accounts for much of the posturing and aggressive behavior men often engage in at work and play.

If we want to be authentic our front stage and backstage must be congruent. This means recognizing our false self, our front stage, and putting a stake through it even though it will fight to its last breath. Being authentic also means we must accept ourselves with all our faults and weaknesses. One of the things we find about ourselves when we go back stage is, we are not perfect. We must become, as one psychologist put it, perfectly imperfect. However, when our natural self-- our back stage takes over, we have an opportunity to grow and find the meaning and happiness we are put on this Earth to enjoy. No longer will we have to hide our back stage and continue to project something that is false and untrue about ourselves. We will become more sensitive and tolerant of others and become better partners to our loved ones and better friends to those around us.

If at three o’ clock in the morning in the quiet moments of your soul, to quote F. Scot Fitzgerald, you believe you are not authentic ask your butler or if you don’t have one ask a member of your family, is my front stage and back stage the same? If they say no, get rid of your old clothes and put on some comfortable jeans and an old sweater and embrace who ever is nearby and know that all is well in the world. You will find peace

MONEY AND HAPPINESS

Many Boomers believe that if we could just make a few more dollars we’d be happier and all would be well with our families and ourselves. The evidence suggests otherwise especially in the Second Half. This is borne out by Robert E. Lane, The Decline of Happiness in Market Economies, who reviewed surveys and polls taken over a thirty-year period and found that although people were earning more money and were more productive they were less happy than prior generations who earned a lot less. Richard Easterlin, a University of Southern California professor, reached a similar conclusion noting that while per capita gross domestic product over the last fifty years went up it did not result in higher levels of subjective well being (SWB), or happiness. David Myers, in The American Paradox writes, “the evidence leads to a startling conclusion-- our becoming much better off has not been accompanied by one iota of psychological well-being. Economic growth has provided no boost to our collective morale.” (Since first writing this, the economy and the market have been in free fall. Nonetheless, the point still rings true for many of us)


It is no secret that we live in a materialistic culture built on acquiring money and material possessions. And it’s been going on for a long time. Thorstein Veblein in his classic, The Theory of the Leisure Class, explained how nobles acquired horses, serfs, knights and castles in an attempt to enjoy the feudal Good Life. He coined the term conspicuous consumption to describe their shopping binges! Then, as now, the basic motivation for acquiring wealth and goods was gaining status and power. Ecclesiastes said, “Who ever loves money never has money enough, who ever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.” The reason money and possessions don’t make us any happier is due to what economist refer to as the declining marginal utility of assets or DMU. ``Utility'' refers to the value that individuals gain from making more money or buying more goods or acquiring more status and fame. According to economists we soon adapt to having more assets. As a result they decline in value to us. This fuels a demand for acquiring still more. For example, someone gets a large raise. At first they are happy. However, because of the declining marginal utility of money the euphoria wears off and the individual becomes dissatisfied and lobbies for another raise. Robert Easterlin uses the term the “hedonic treadmill” to describe the endless striving for more money, material possessions and status. Like all other treadmills once you get on it’s hard to get off. F. Scott Fitzgerald put it another way in the The Great Gatsby, “to the spoils belongs the victor.”

Despite the futility of chasing the Good Life, why do so many of us continue living on the hedonic treadmill? Tomes have been written about mass media and its impact on consumerism and materialism. David Riesman in his groundbreaking book The Lonely Crowd, written in the early 1950’s, said the advertising industry created a generation of “other directed” people whose values, lifestyle and behavior were determined by aping individuals who enjoyed high status, wealth and influence in the culture. According to Riesman, before the advent of mass media advertising and TV people were “inner directed” and developed their values and belief systems through personal reflection and intellectual discovery. Although Riesman was writing about an earlier day most of us continue to be other-directed associating success, well-being, youth, good looks, money and status with happiness. Unfortunately, chasing these things has the opposite effect. This hit home while I was a struggling graduate student driving through Beverley Hills. My reaction to the opulent homes, manicured lawns, tennis courts, and driveways filled with Mercedes and BMWs was envy then depression. I realized the trappings of the Good Life were out of reach. After returning to my hotel I absent-mindedly flipped through the Beverly Hills Yellow Pages and was startled to find page after page listing Psychiatrists and Psychologists. Beverly Hills was one of the wealthiest communities in the country. But there must have been a lot of unhappy, unfulfilled people living in those mansions! My attitude about what made for a good life changed on the spot. Obviously money is an issue for many people. However, researchers have found that after a certain level of wealth is attained, usually when there is enough to provide for basic human needs and wants, this varies from country to country and culture to culture, there is no corresponding increase in happiness when wealth and material well-being increases beyond a certain level So why do we keep chasing after the good life? More on this subject later.

THE ROOTS OF ANGER

In an earlier post I mentioned that one of the ways retired Boomers sabotage their happiness and well being is through chronic anger. At the time I was actually referring to crankiness and grumpiness not the kind of anger that makes our blood pressure go up! I want to briefly deal with this kind of anger now hoping it may shed some light on our behavior when we go off the rails!

Not log ago I was reading something about anger in Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence. He used the term “emotional hijacking“ to describe the type of anger or rage that makes the hair stand on end and the heart rate and blood pressure go through the roof. I confess I have been guilty of such rage and only recently realized that although the triggering event is something that takes place in the present the root cause of the “hijacking” and other forms of self sabotage is often the result of something that happened in the past. Specifically, in our childhood.

A painful recollection of such an event took place several years ago when my wife and I were scheduled to close on a mortgage in our lawyer’s office. I took off from work to take care of this matter. My lawyer advised me to be on time because he was leaving the office immediately after the closing to go on vacation. On the way to his office I became stuck in a massive traffic jam, the kind where the roadway turns into a parking lot. Time began ticking away, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, it looked like I wasn’t going to make the closing. All of a sudden I became enraged and started punching the ceiling of the car and cursing like a sailor. I remember my wife looking at me as though I was crazy. Later, after I calmed down I realized my reaction to the situation was over the top and I sought to understand the reason for my extreme behavior.

I subsequently learned that many of us have childhood experiences that we represses chiefly because they were unpleasant and a source of unhappiness.
Later as adults we often act out these unresolved childhood issues by engaging in self defeating behavior. For example, when we procrastinate we may be subconsciously rebelling against our parents who were controlling and authoritarian. Or when we become angry at our spouse over mild criticism we may be subconsciously reacting to being publicly criticized and embarrassed by one of our elementary school teachers. Or, when we avoid developing close relationships with other people because we may be subconsciously avoiding the pain of rejection that resulted from an argument with a childhood friend. In each instance we have transferred repressed childhood emotions to events or situations that occur as adults.

How do we know we acting out unresolved childhood issues? When find ourselves misinterpreting or overreacting to situations for no logical reason. For example, we are offended at not being invited to a friend’s daughter’s wedding even though we acknowledge we do not have a relationship with the daughter. Or, we know a friend is very busy at work and doesn’t promptly return a phone call and we interpret it as a lack of respect on their part. Or, we find ourselves getting angry and overreacting to a situation as I did when I became stuck in traffic.

What unresolved childhood experience was I reacting to, you may ask. I concluded after a lot of research and soul searching that my anger was directed at my parents who divorced when I was twelve. It made for a difficult childhood and I subconsciously vowed not to give up control of my life and well being as a way of protecting myself from future disappointments. When I was stuck in traffic and running the risk of missing the closing I was subconsciously reacting to the loss of control I felt as a child not to the loss of control over missing the closing. Something, that in hindsight could have easily been resolved.

What are the implications of this to you? If you find yourself overreacting to situations especially by getting angry, or hurt or offended ask yourself if it is justified given the circumstances. If not, go back into your childhood and see if you can identify experiences or events that may have been unpleasant or made you unhappy that you might be acting out now as an adult. Because as I subsequently learned, making something conscious that resides in your subconscious is the best way to eliminate this type of self defeating, angry behavior.

PROCRASTINATING AND SELF SABOTAGE

I was watching the Smother Brothers on TV some years ago. One of them said that life is what goes one while you’re making other plans! This pretty well summed up the first four or five years of my Second Half-- a lot of plans, a lot of ideas, not much action and heck of lot of frustration. As you probably know by now procrastination is one of the most common forms of self sabotage especially for Boomers in their Second Half. For example, we know that our waist line has to go but find it difficult to cut back on food or visit the gym. Or we know we should finish our resume and begin the search for a part time job to supplement our 401K. The list goes on.

There are many theories about why so many of us put off doing things we know are important to our happiness and well-being. Some of us are perfectionists who have unrealistic expectations or standards. Everything must be just right. Perfectionist dread doing anything that is less than perfect, As a result, they nitpick everything to death often neutralizing themselves by getting little accomplished. It could be writing a resume, creating a business plan or writing an article for the local paper. The endless search for perfection leads to statis.

Another cause of procrastinating is ambivalence. F. Scot Fitzgerald said the test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas at the same time and still retain the ability to function. When we suffer from ambivalence we hold two opposing emotions, attitudes, or ideas about doing something. As a result there is an internal tug of war going on inside of us which results in us taking no action. For example, I often procrastinate writing articles for this blog. A part of me says do it later. No one is going to read it. Another part of me says, it’s important that I write the article because it may help someone.

Sometimes a task seems too complex, too overwhelming or takes too much time. As a consequence we conclude it’s not worth the trouble and put it off. In other words the pain is not worth the gain. At first we are relieved and feel better off but inexorably we begin to feel guilty and beat ourselves up because we didn’t step up to the plate and do what we know is in our best interest. For example, I put off setting up automatic bill paying in my brokerage account for over a year because it seemed complicated and time consuming. As a result, at the beginning of every month I continued writing checks, addressing envelopes and putting stamps on scores of bills even though I found it tedious and annoying.

Sometimes we procrastinate out of fear of failure. We have a task in front of us, for example, finding a job, but put it off because we know it will be difficult and we don’t want to feel like a loser if things don’t work out. Fear of failure is the result of low self esteem. Thus, we cancel an interview because we believe we are not qualified for the position and will be rejected. The person who has a fear of failure is saying, nothing ventured, nothing lost. Unfortunately, what seems at first to be an ego saving act has the reverse effect on the ego with the procrastinator engaging in a cycle of self abuse over their lack of courage and spine.

If you are procrastinating over doing things that are important to your happiness and well being, there are steps you can take. The first one, and this is a recurring theme in the Boomer Post, you must take responsibility and own your behavior. This means acknowledging you are procrastinating. Once you do this, list the tasks or goals you are putting off completing. Next to each one write down the reason you are procrastinating, e.g. fear of failure, perfectionism, etc. Then put down what you lose by putting them off and what you will gain by taking action. This will give you a sense of what is at stake.

The second step is block out time in your calendar or day planner for completing the goals/tasks you need to complete. It helps when you do this to set deadlines. If the task seems overwhelming break it down into smaller chunks. When you begin the dreaded task, say something positive or affirming to block out negative, self defeating thoughts. For example, I can do it, or I have the skills and knowledge to succeed, or yes I can.

Thirdly, when you’ve made progress toward achieving a goal or you’ve completed a particular task, reward yourself by doing something pleasurable such as watching a favorite TV program or going to a movie or visiting Starbucks and treating yourself to a latte. In doing so your subconscious mind will associate taking action with something rewarding.

Finally, if you procrastinate cut yourself some slack. Recognize no one including yourself is perfect. We all procrastinate. We all experience failure. When you find yourself putting things off be honest with yourself, own it and resolve to take action because you believe you can and will succeed and that procrastinating will only delay the inevitable pleasure you will gain from performing a job well done!