AUTHENTICITY AND HAPPINESS

One of the greatest callenges we Boomers deal with as we enter the Second Half is becoming more authentic.

This hit home for me not long ago. One of the last vestiges of my life as a corporate executive were the expensive suits, shirts and ties I wore to work certifying I was someone to be reckoned with. No general or admiral wore the symbols of rank more proudly than I did. They were now hanging in my closet at parade rest. But, a funny thing happened. One day I went into the closet in search of something, I don’t recall what it was, and looked at my executive wardrobe and said to myself, I once knew that guy! I decided on the spot to get rid of my past but more important I wanted to regain my identity and authenticity.

Irving Goffman wrote a fascinating book some years ago called, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. Using a theatre metaphor Goffman’s claimed that each of us has a front stage and a back stage. Our “front stage” is the image or persona we create to impress and ultimately influence others around us. Our office, tone of voice, posture, the car we drive are part of our front stage. My wardrobe was part of my front stage. Our "back stage" is who we really are with all of our fears, doubts, strengths, weaknesses; the sum total of who we are. There is an old saying that no one is a hero to their butler. The butler sees their master’s backstage as do our wives and children and family pet. The danger is, unlike the butler and members of our family many of us believe our front stage is who we really are and invest a lot of time and effort protecting it. Which accounts for much of the posturing and aggressive behavior men often engage in at work and play.

If we want to be authentic our front stage and backstage must be congruent. This means recognizing our false self, our front stage, and putting a stake through it even though it will fight to its last breath. Being authentic also means we must accept ourselves with all our faults and weaknesses. One of the things we find about ourselves when we go back stage is, we are not perfect. We must become, as one psychologist put it, perfectly imperfect. However, when our natural self-- our back stage takes over, we have an opportunity to grow and find the meaning and happiness we are put on this Earth to enjoy. No longer will we have to hide our back stage and continue to project something that is false and untrue about ourselves. We will become more sensitive and tolerant of others and become better partners to our loved ones and better friends to those around us.

If at three o’ clock in the morning in the quiet moments of your soul, to quote F. Scot Fitzgerald, you believe you are not authentic ask your butler or if you don’t have one ask a member of your family, is my front stage and back stage the same? If they say no, get rid of your old clothes and put on some comfortable jeans and an old sweater and embrace who ever is nearby and know that all is well in the world. You will find peace

MONEY AND HAPPINESS

Many Boomers believe that if we could just make a few more dollars we’d be happier and all would be well with our families and ourselves. The evidence suggests otherwise especially in the Second Half. This is borne out by Robert E. Lane, The Decline of Happiness in Market Economies, who reviewed surveys and polls taken over a thirty-year period and found that although people were earning more money and were more productive they were less happy than prior generations who earned a lot less. Richard Easterlin, a University of Southern California professor, reached a similar conclusion noting that while per capita gross domestic product over the last fifty years went up it did not result in higher levels of subjective well being (SWB), or happiness. David Myers, in The American Paradox writes, “the evidence leads to a startling conclusion-- our becoming much better off has not been accompanied by one iota of psychological well-being. Economic growth has provided no boost to our collective morale.” (Since first writing this, the economy and the market have been in free fall. Nonetheless, the point still rings true for many of us)


It is no secret that we live in a materialistic culture built on acquiring money and material possessions. And it’s been going on for a long time. Thorstein Veblein in his classic, The Theory of the Leisure Class, explained how nobles acquired horses, serfs, knights and castles in an attempt to enjoy the feudal Good Life. He coined the term conspicuous consumption to describe their shopping binges! Then, as now, the basic motivation for acquiring wealth and goods was gaining status and power. Ecclesiastes said, “Who ever loves money never has money enough, who ever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.” The reason money and possessions don’t make us any happier is due to what economist refer to as the declining marginal utility of assets or DMU. ``Utility'' refers to the value that individuals gain from making more money or buying more goods or acquiring more status and fame. According to economists we soon adapt to having more assets. As a result they decline in value to us. This fuels a demand for acquiring still more. For example, someone gets a large raise. At first they are happy. However, because of the declining marginal utility of money the euphoria wears off and the individual becomes dissatisfied and lobbies for another raise. Robert Easterlin uses the term the “hedonic treadmill” to describe the endless striving for more money, material possessions and status. Like all other treadmills once you get on it’s hard to get off. F. Scott Fitzgerald put it another way in the The Great Gatsby, “to the spoils belongs the victor.”

Despite the futility of chasing the Good Life, why do so many of us continue living on the hedonic treadmill? Tomes have been written about mass media and its impact on consumerism and materialism. David Riesman in his groundbreaking book The Lonely Crowd, written in the early 1950’s, said the advertising industry created a generation of “other directed” people whose values, lifestyle and behavior were determined by aping individuals who enjoyed high status, wealth and influence in the culture. According to Riesman, before the advent of mass media advertising and TV people were “inner directed” and developed their values and belief systems through personal reflection and intellectual discovery. Although Riesman was writing about an earlier day most of us continue to be other-directed associating success, well-being, youth, good looks, money and status with happiness. Unfortunately, chasing these things has the opposite effect. This hit home while I was a struggling graduate student driving through Beverley Hills. My reaction to the opulent homes, manicured lawns, tennis courts, and driveways filled with Mercedes and BMWs was envy then depression. I realized the trappings of the Good Life were out of reach. After returning to my hotel I absent-mindedly flipped through the Beverly Hills Yellow Pages and was startled to find page after page listing Psychiatrists and Psychologists. Beverly Hills was one of the wealthiest communities in the country. But there must have been a lot of unhappy, unfulfilled people living in those mansions! My attitude about what made for a good life changed on the spot. Obviously money is an issue for many people. However, researchers have found that after a certain level of wealth is attained, usually when there is enough to provide for basic human needs and wants, this varies from country to country and culture to culture, there is no corresponding increase in happiness when wealth and material well-being increases beyond a certain level So why do we keep chasing after the good life? More on this subject later.

THE ROOTS OF ANGER

In an earlier post I mentioned that one of the ways retired Boomers sabotage their happiness and well being is through chronic anger. At the time I was actually referring to crankiness and grumpiness not the kind of anger that makes our blood pressure go up! I want to briefly deal with this kind of anger now hoping it may shed some light on our behavior when we go off the rails!

Not log ago I was reading something about anger in Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence. He used the term “emotional hijacking“ to describe the type of anger or rage that makes the hair stand on end and the heart rate and blood pressure go through the roof. I confess I have been guilty of such rage and only recently realized that although the triggering event is something that takes place in the present the root cause of the “hijacking” and other forms of self sabotage is often the result of something that happened in the past. Specifically, in our childhood.

A painful recollection of such an event took place several years ago when my wife and I were scheduled to close on a mortgage in our lawyer’s office. I took off from work to take care of this matter. My lawyer advised me to be on time because he was leaving the office immediately after the closing to go on vacation. On the way to his office I became stuck in a massive traffic jam, the kind where the roadway turns into a parking lot. Time began ticking away, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, it looked like I wasn’t going to make the closing. All of a sudden I became enraged and started punching the ceiling of the car and cursing like a sailor. I remember my wife looking at me as though I was crazy. Later, after I calmed down I realized my reaction to the situation was over the top and I sought to understand the reason for my extreme behavior.

I subsequently learned that many of us have childhood experiences that we represses chiefly because they were unpleasant and a source of unhappiness.
Later as adults we often act out these unresolved childhood issues by engaging in self defeating behavior. For example, when we procrastinate we may be subconsciously rebelling against our parents who were controlling and authoritarian. Or when we become angry at our spouse over mild criticism we may be subconsciously reacting to being publicly criticized and embarrassed by one of our elementary school teachers. Or, when we avoid developing close relationships with other people because we may be subconsciously avoiding the pain of rejection that resulted from an argument with a childhood friend. In each instance we have transferred repressed childhood emotions to events or situations that occur as adults.

How do we know we acting out unresolved childhood issues? When find ourselves misinterpreting or overreacting to situations for no logical reason. For example, we are offended at not being invited to a friend’s daughter’s wedding even though we acknowledge we do not have a relationship with the daughter. Or, we know a friend is very busy at work and doesn’t promptly return a phone call and we interpret it as a lack of respect on their part. Or, we find ourselves getting angry and overreacting to a situation as I did when I became stuck in traffic.

What unresolved childhood experience was I reacting to, you may ask. I concluded after a lot of research and soul searching that my anger was directed at my parents who divorced when I was twelve. It made for a difficult childhood and I subconsciously vowed not to give up control of my life and well being as a way of protecting myself from future disappointments. When I was stuck in traffic and running the risk of missing the closing I was subconsciously reacting to the loss of control I felt as a child not to the loss of control over missing the closing. Something, that in hindsight could have easily been resolved.

What are the implications of this to you? If you find yourself overreacting to situations especially by getting angry, or hurt or offended ask yourself if it is justified given the circumstances. If not, go back into your childhood and see if you can identify experiences or events that may have been unpleasant or made you unhappy that you might be acting out now as an adult. Because as I subsequently learned, making something conscious that resides in your subconscious is the best way to eliminate this type of self defeating, angry behavior.

PROCRASTINATING AND SELF SABOTAGE

I was watching the Smother Brothers on TV some years ago. One of them said that life is what goes one while you’re making other plans! This pretty well summed up the first four or five years of my Second Half-- a lot of plans, a lot of ideas, not much action and heck of lot of frustration. As you probably know by now procrastination is one of the most common forms of self sabotage especially for Boomers in their Second Half. For example, we know that our waist line has to go but find it difficult to cut back on food or visit the gym. Or we know we should finish our resume and begin the search for a part time job to supplement our 401K. The list goes on.

There are many theories about why so many of us put off doing things we know are important to our happiness and well-being. Some of us are perfectionists who have unrealistic expectations or standards. Everything must be just right. Perfectionist dread doing anything that is less than perfect, As a result, they nitpick everything to death often neutralizing themselves by getting little accomplished. It could be writing a resume, creating a business plan or writing an article for the local paper. The endless search for perfection leads to statis.

Another cause of procrastinating is ambivalence. F. Scot Fitzgerald said the test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas at the same time and still retain the ability to function. When we suffer from ambivalence we hold two opposing emotions, attitudes, or ideas about doing something. As a result there is an internal tug of war going on inside of us which results in us taking no action. For example, I often procrastinate writing articles for this blog. A part of me says do it later. No one is going to read it. Another part of me says, it’s important that I write the article because it may help someone.

Sometimes a task seems too complex, too overwhelming or takes too much time. As a consequence we conclude it’s not worth the trouble and put it off. In other words the pain is not worth the gain. At first we are relieved and feel better off but inexorably we begin to feel guilty and beat ourselves up because we didn’t step up to the plate and do what we know is in our best interest. For example, I put off setting up automatic bill paying in my brokerage account for over a year because it seemed complicated and time consuming. As a result, at the beginning of every month I continued writing checks, addressing envelopes and putting stamps on scores of bills even though I found it tedious and annoying.

Sometimes we procrastinate out of fear of failure. We have a task in front of us, for example, finding a job, but put it off because we know it will be difficult and we don’t want to feel like a loser if things don’t work out. Fear of failure is the result of low self esteem. Thus, we cancel an interview because we believe we are not qualified for the position and will be rejected. The person who has a fear of failure is saying, nothing ventured, nothing lost. Unfortunately, what seems at first to be an ego saving act has the reverse effect on the ego with the procrastinator engaging in a cycle of self abuse over their lack of courage and spine.

If you are procrastinating over doing things that are important to your happiness and well being, there are steps you can take. The first one, and this is a recurring theme in the Boomer Post, you must take responsibility and own your behavior. This means acknowledging you are procrastinating. Once you do this, list the tasks or goals you are putting off completing. Next to each one write down the reason you are procrastinating, e.g. fear of failure, perfectionism, etc. Then put down what you lose by putting them off and what you will gain by taking action. This will give you a sense of what is at stake.

The second step is block out time in your calendar or day planner for completing the goals/tasks you need to complete. It helps when you do this to set deadlines. If the task seems overwhelming break it down into smaller chunks. When you begin the dreaded task, say something positive or affirming to block out negative, self defeating thoughts. For example, I can do it, or I have the skills and knowledge to succeed, or yes I can.

Thirdly, when you’ve made progress toward achieving a goal or you’ve completed a particular task, reward yourself by doing something pleasurable such as watching a favorite TV program or going to a movie or visiting Starbucks and treating yourself to a latte. In doing so your subconscious mind will associate taking action with something rewarding.

Finally, if you procrastinate cut yourself some slack. Recognize no one including yourself is perfect. We all procrastinate. We all experience failure. When you find yourself putting things off be honest with yourself, own it and resolve to take action because you believe you can and will succeed and that procrastinating will only delay the inevitable pleasure you will gain from performing a job well done!

YOUR INNER CRITIC AND SELF SABOTAGE

One of the ways we sabotage our happiness is by listening to what is often called our “inner critic" or the “cop inside our head.” He reminds me of the midget in the Mel Gibson film, Thunderdome, perched on our shoulder whispering in our ear warning us about dangerous pitfalls that lay ahead or telling us we shouldn’t do something or worst yet, telling us we can’t do something. My inner critic didn’t want me to enjoy my Second Half. He didn’t want me to achieve my goals. He didn’t want me to be happy. My inner critic wanted me to suffer. Do you have an inner critic that discourages you and sabotages your happiness? You are not alone!

We all have an inner critic, a voice inside our head that engages us in secret conversation. I first became aware of his power reading The Inner Game of Golf by Tim Gallwey. According to Gallwey one of the reasons golfers often struggle with the game is their inner critic, he calls it the Self 1, bombards them with do’s and don’ts constantly warning them about bunkers, water hazards and out of bounds stakes. This prevents their natural, creative, spontaneous nature, the Self 2, from taking over. Our Self 1 sabotages our enjoyment of the game as well as our ability to play it at a higher level. However, if we can silence its voice and let the Self 2 take over Gallwey found that the average golfer is able to hit the golf ball with power, consistency and accuracy beyond anything they had previously achieved and were less frustrated and enjoyed the game a great deal more.

If Self 1 doesn’t want us to succeed at golf, his equivalent, our inner critic, doesn’t want us to succeed in life! He is the sower of self-doubt telling us we are not smart enough or deserving enough or good enough to be happy and fulfilled. Our inner critic gets in touch with us through negative self talk. Did you know that most of us have 40,000 to 60,000 conversations with ourselves each day. Some of the conversations are innocuous. “I have to pick up the laundry”. “Let’s go out for dinner tonight.” A lot of it is negative, “I won’t be able to write my resume” or "I will never be happy”, etc. The most effective way to silence our inner critic is to replace his negative self talk with positive self talk. For example, if your inner critic is telling you you won’t succeed in launching a second career in the Second Half replace that thought with one that says “Yes I can!” Or if your inner critic discourages you from mending a relationship with an old friend replace the thought with a positive one that says ”My friend needs me.” If this sounds simplistic consider the following. Once a thought is planted in your head it exists, it is real and it takes on a life of its own because our emotions and feelings are unable to distinguish a true thought from a false one. A good example is Mary Kay who overcame a host of personal crisis to create a global cosmetics company and said, “If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t you are right.” She refused to listen to her inner critic. So can you.

I AM ANGRY AT ANGER!

The other day I listened to a reporter on CNBC, Rick Santelli rant about the injustice of Obama’s mortgage rescue plan. It wasn’t what he said that bothered me, although I disagree with him. It was the way he said it. He was filled with anger. Unfortunately, the airwaves, especially cable channel is filled with angry people and angry commentary. I don’t care if it’s a news program, a sports channel or a cooking show, we are bombarded with angry people shouting out their opinions and views. I don’t remember Walter Cronkite, Jim McKay or Julia Child behaving with such a lack of decorum. They didn’t yell. They never seemed angry. They spoke to us.

I subsequently realized that ranting media personalities are not behaving any differently than most of us. Unfortunately, angry debate has become part of our culture. I was recently engaged in discussion about the merits of President Obama’s rescue plan and his political philosophy. Most of the men had very strong views about both and as the discussion went on the greater the sense of anger I felt from within the group. It was so palpable I eventually asked members of the group why they were so angry. They looked at me as if to say, “What are you talking about?” Then the other night I had a discussion with a friend about religion and I became angry for crying out loud. On the way home I asked myself why I became angry. I concluded it was the result of my inability to articulate a well crafted argument for my faith. My anger was misdirected or as a psychologist would say my anger was projected on to another person. Because I was angry at my anger I decided to become a better defender of my faith as well as other opinions, views and insight I hold dear. You see, I believe anger and shouting have replaced logic as a means of influencing others to our way of thinking. We have become experts at angrily shouting out little sound bites mirroring the antics of the cable TV personalities we watch rather than patiently and rationally explaining our point of view. Though, we may have to wait for the noise from others to die down first.

How about you? Do you find yourself losing it when you are not heard or not understood? If so, consider a crafting a more thoughtful discourse. And when someone is ranting and raving pat them on the head and ask them why they are angry. I takes the steam out of them and makes it more likely your point of view will be heard, Now, if only I could make the airwaves two way and deal with some of the more obnoxious cable personalities! Just a thought.

ANGER AND SELF SABOTAGE

I mentioned in an earlier post that making the transition into the Second Half can be difficult. One of the main reasons is our tendency to engage in self defeating behavior that robs us of the happiness and well being we deserve. One of the primary forms of self sabotage is chronic anger.

This hit home several years ago when my teenage son asked me why I was angry all the time. After yelling at him “What do you mean?” thereby proving his point, I asked him what percentage of the time was I angry. He said seventy five percent. I was ashamed of myself, but proud of my son for speaking the truth. I knew I was kind of cranky and grumpy. But, I rationalized it as hormonal. There is something called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) which suggests it may be. I assume there is some sort of injection we can take to cure it! Regardless of whether my anger was hormonal or not, my son saw that underneath the bitching, complaining, lack of patience and general irritation was an angry old man. And, it was robbing me of my happiness and well being as well as hurting my relationship with the people I loved. A real double whammy!

There are of course degrees of anger. There is crankiness and mild irritation and there is rage than can cause blood pressure to rise and other health related consequences. Daniel Goleman, in Emotional Intelligence, refers to this type of anger as an “emotional high jacking.” If you are suffering from this kind of rage you may benefit from anger management counseling. However, if your anger is milder, you are cranky or grumpy, there are things you can do to be less irritable and cranky.

The first step to overcoming anger is identifying its source. Some anger results from feeling we are not in control. For example, I often nag my wife about doing things that really don’t matter. For example, buying fish for dinner, or walking the dogs more often, or paying the bills on time. I can say with out any malice that she rarely listens to me. When I get angry with her it’s not over fish, or dogs or paying bills it’s because I can't control her behavior. Good for her!

Another source of anger results from feeling a lack of respect. For example, I was waiting in line at an airline check in counter and observed someone traveling first class ranting at a counter clerk for keeping them waiting while waiting on another passenger who was flying coach. The first class passenger was reacting to what they perceived was a lack of respect for their superior status.

A third source of anger results from projecting anger directed at ourselves on to another person. I concluded that my chronic anger, some of it directed at my son, resulted from a deep sense of frustration I felt for not using my skills and talents to do something worthwhile for other people. I was taking out my anger on members of my family rather than on myself. By the way, my son tells me I am doing a lot better!

The first step for reducing anger is to own your behavior and take responsibility for it. If you are not sure anger is a problem, ask the people around you. Then do a little soul searching and see if you can identify the source of your anger. It’s probably one of three underlying causes I mentioned earlier-- not feeling in control, feeling a lack of respect, projecting your anger on to others. It requires brutal honesty on your part but well worth it. A helpful hint is, keep an “anger” diary. Whenever you get angry or irritable write down the triggering event and the date and time it occurred. Do this for several weeks then review your diary and for each episode write down the underlying causes of your anger.

A second step for reducing anger is to reframe the situation that’s making you angry. For example, when I find myself getting angry over slow service or mediocre food rather than turning into a control drama I depersonalize it by attributing the problem to a broken stove or a new waiter or some other factor. The first class passenger who gets angry waiting in line for a passenger flying coach to check in can reframe the situation by praising the airline for treating all passengers alike regardless of the class they are flying.

If you are angry try some of the techniques I’ve suggested. If all else fails, try to accept life as it unfolds. Acceptance is a great antidote to anger. This means accepting situations you encounter, accepting other people you encounter with all their faults and weaknesses and, most of all, accepting yourself with all your faults and weaknesses. If you can do these things you’ll be a happier more satisfied individual.

ARE YOU SABOTAGING YOUR HAPPINESS?

As I said in my initial post, we are put on this Earth to be happy. Unfortunately, we often find ways to sabotage our happiness for no apparent reason. Some very public and dramatic examples include, the forty second President of the United States who risks getting tossed out of office and tarnishing his legacy by having an affair with an intern, a young actress who jeopardizes her career after a series of drug and alcohol related incidences, a Senator from Idaho solicits sex in a men’s bathroom and risks expulsion from the Senate, and a top NFL quarterback is jailed for funding an illegal dog fighting enterprise. Bill Clinton, Lindsay Lohan, Larry Craig and Michael Vick each sabotaged their reputations, their careers, and ultimately their happiness by engaging in self defeating behaviors. These are extreme examples. Most of us engage in more subtle and less public forms of self sabotage. For example, we put off tasks that are instrumental to achieving personal goals. We find ourselves overreacting and becoming angry over things that upon reflection seem trivial and unimportant. Or, we may engage in negative self talk about ourselves or other people. We may worry and fret about the future especially our financial well being. Although less dramatic and destructive than the public displays of sabotage mentioned earlier our self defeating behaviors can be almost as destructive.

I know this first hand. When I entered my Second Half I had everything going for me including a loving and supportive wife and family, excellent health, wonderful friends, financial security, excellent health and an educational and professional background that should have allowed me to launch a second career. Despite the many blessings I enjoyed I was constantly bickering and arguing with my wife, I was drinking too much wine in the evening, I was engaging in obsessive negative self talk, I was constantly bitching and complaining about things that didn’t matter and I was procrastinating completing tasks necessary for achieving my goal of starting a second career. In short, I was doing a thorough job of sabotaging my happiness and well being. Sound familiar?

One of the most difficult challenge in dealing with self sabotage are the elaborate defense mechanisms we create to hide it. Admitting we are sabotaging ourselves can be difficult for our ego to accept. As a result we are often in denial about sabotaging our happiness and well-being and refuse to accept that anything is wrong; a necessary condition for change to take place. If we are unable or unwilling to shed the light of day on our behavior the cycle of self-defeating behavior will continue.

Bearing this point in mind, let me ask you a question, are you sabotaging your happiness? If so, make a list of the ways you believe your are doing this. For example, are you beating yourself up over finances? Or worrying excessively about the future? Or drinking too much in the evening? If you do this you'll be taking the first step toward defeating the enemy within that's robbing you of the happiness and well being you deserve.

In my next posts I'll deal more fully with the various forms of self sabotage and how you can defeat them.

BOOMERS AND HAPPINESS

There is no question in my mind that we were put on this Earth by our Maker to be happy. If you don't believe this name a single philosopher, theologian or modern day guru who says otherwise. In fact, I am reminded that our forefathers founded this nation to allow us to pursue happiness along with life and liberty. (They come first). It's awful tough to be happy if you're dead! It's not as difficult if your are not free, but tough nevertheless. That's the reason so many people came to our shores now and throughout history as in, "Send me your huddled masses yearning to breathe free"

There is a difference, though, between being happy because some thing "good" happened to us , for example we received a present versus being happy as a state of being as in "He is a happy person." That's what we mean by happiness, a state of being. And something we Boomers should strive for especially in the Second Half when we've left our work and career in the rear view mirror and have time to indulge ourselves examining some of life's more important issues . Besides, it's pragmatic to do so, happy people are better able to handle the ups and down of life, i.e. aging when they have a happy or sunny disposition.

I know some of you are thinking yeah that's ok for you but to say but most happy people I know were born that way. There is some truth to that. Martin Seligman a well know psychologist from the University of Pennsylvania says we each have a happiness "set point". He also believes we can increase our level of happiness beyond our "set point".

That we fail to do this is the result of several factors including, we don't believe we deserve to be to be happy, we don't want to be happy, we don't know how to be happy. It could be all three!

Are you a Boomer? Are you about to enter your Second Half? Are you already in your Second Half? Are you as happy as you'd like to be? If not, which of the three reasons apply to you? And, what can you do about it?