A MEANINGFUL RESPITE

I just returned from vacationing in Florida with my wife. No children. One was in school in Philadelphia. The other was in lacrosse camp also in Florida. Before leaving I decided not to bring my laptop as a way of breaking my addiction to the internet. The downside for me at least, I was unable to blog. Perhaps as a consequence I had an opportunity to reflect on my good fortune amidst the rubble left by Wall Street and a negligent body politic and the serious damage they both did to our retirement portfolio and my self confidence.

The first thing I realized the minute I arrived in Florida was that I have a wonderful wife. I discovered that the things which attracted me to her when we first met at a faculty party in Chapel Hill over thirty years ago were still there. She was fun, she was caring, she was loving and she was easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, with the hurly burly of career, home, kids, bill paying, social obligations and the like I became inured to her qualities and all to often focused on the negative aspects of our relationship. I now realize more than ever, as I mentioned in a previous blog, relationships don’t fail because two people fall out of love, they fail because of neglect. This is the reason we all need schedule time alone with our spouses whether it be to travel, have dinner, go for a long walk or have a glass of wine by the fire. In a sense when we retire and enter the Second Half we must reintroduce ourselves to our spouses and awaken or rekindle what was lost due to the fact we often placed greater emphasis on our careers and what it gave us and less emphasis on our relationships with our spouses.

I also found out that less really can be more. We secured an amazing internet rate of $127 for a room in a hotel on the beach outside of Miami Beach. It was modest in every respect. The rooms were circa 1960’s kitschy with garish bedspreads and wall hangings. The bathroom was the size of a hall closet. The room TV had no more than twelve channels and the reception was grainy with a double image to boot. Breakfast was served on Styrofoam plates and plastic forks. But, the place was spotless, the staff polite and attentive and most important the sun and the sand were exactly the same as the Ritz Carlton up the street which was four or five times more expensive. We had a great time and can’t wait to book a room next year no matter what happens on Wall Street.

While in Florida we had an opportunity to renew acquaintances with old friends who had moved from the New York metropolitan area where we live. We were struck by how quickly relationships pick right up even though months and even years go by. I realized that the ties that bind are truly hard to break and that in itself is good news. Because, the evidence is overwhelming that having a network of friends is a critical factor in promoting happiness and well-being as we get older. As a result it is important that we go the extra mile to stay in touch with friends who have moved away. Like our marriages, relationships die from neglect. In order to avoid this there is something called the Rule of Seven which states that in order to maintain relationships we should try to make contact seven times a year through emails, phone calls, mailing news clippings, sending candy grams, etc. It takes effort but we’ve committed to giving it a try.

Finally and perhaps best of all, I realized that all my worrying and concerns were a waste of time because whether my mental image of the future was positive and optimistic or negative and pessimistic I am really lousy and making predictions. This hit home as I was laying in the sun and day dreaming about what was and what might be and I concluded that the personal events in my life that had the greatest impact both negative and positive, for example, the career I chose, the person I married, the place where I lived as well as larger socio-economic, political events such as 9/11 and the current economic crisis all occurred seemingly out of left field. It struck me that my entire educational background was predicated on the idea that the more we know the better we are at predicting the future. When in reality, what we don’t know is far more important. For example, we didn’t know about credit default swaps or that Mohammed Atta was learning to fly but not land a jumbo jet. Had the collective “we” known about them,the future would have been quite different. If you doubt the veracity of what I am saying that’s ok but for the heck of it, list the events in your life that had the greatest impact and see if you predicted them.

Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled wrote a wonderful chapter on “Grace” which he defined as God’s unmerited favor. Getting away for a week helped me realize that my relationship with my wife, our ability to enjoy a more simple vacation, the renewing of old friendships and the realization that trying to predict the future is foolish are in the final analysis are examples of grace and worthy of thanks and praise. I hope you will reflect on your good fortune in these tough times and find that there is much to be thankful for as well.