Wednesday, April 29, 2009

EXERCISE YOUR WAY TO HAPPINESS

As we Boomers become older there is overwhelming scientific evidence that physical exercise is vital for our health, happiness and well-being. Exercise keeps the heart strong by keeping the blood vessels open as well as ensuring the brain cells get all the nutrients they need for peak performance. Neurobiologist Robert Dustman, MD showed that aerobically fit people had brain waves associated with alertness and mental acuity including memory. Further testimony to the value of exercising on mental acuity especially for aging Boomers is the number of years an individual engages in physical exercise and their current aerobic capacity can predict how they will do on a test of information processing. In turn, other studies have shown that retirees who become couch potatoes and fail to exercise or engage in some form of extended physical activity such as walking or working in the yard show a significant decline in their blood flow to the brain which results in diminished memory and recall, difficulty processing information and difficulty multitasking.

In addition to improving brain function and mental acuity, physical exercise can lower blood pressure, increase strength and stamina and improve flexibility. Recognizing the benefits to older Boomers more and more health clubs are adapting to changing demographics and offering exercise programs for older individuals. Examples include programs focusing on, cardiac rehabilitation, osteoporosis, high blood pressure and arthritis.

Physical exercise can also be a very effective treatment for depression. Studies show that individuals suffering from depression who engage in a structured exercise program show a reduction of anger, fatigue and tension. One of the reasons is the release of endorphins into the brain promotes a sense of well-being and happiness akin to what is know as the “runner’s high’ which is also attributed to the release of endorphins to the brain. Another benefit of exercise for people who have signs of depression is an improvement in their moods, vitality, alertness and sense of well-being. Taking these points into account, one psychologist suggested that exercise is the best non-pharmacological anti-depressant we have!

One of the most pressing public health issues in this country is obesity. Current estimates put it at 30% of individuals 20 or older or 60 million people. The situation is somewhat for older people. According to the Centers for Disease Control 76% of men and 71% of woman between 65 –74 are over weight or obese. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, life expectancy in the U.S. may drop by up to five years because of obesity and its side effects. These side effects include: hypertension, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease, osteoporosis, gall bladder disease, sleep apinea and other respiratory diseases and some cancers.

Despite the obvious side effects of obesity a surprisingly high number of seniors report little or no interest in losing weight. The Surgeon General suggests that among individuals 65 and older only 43% of men and 53% of woman claim they are interested in losing weight. This seemingly indicates there is need for a national communications and educational program targeted to senior encouraging them to exercise and lose weight.

While on the subject of weight, lets not neglect the importance of what we eat. The key to losing weight is to use more calories than we consume. Moderate exercise will certainly help us use up calories, how much is debatable. For example a moderately paced 30 minute walk will burn less than 200 calories. Not much when you consider that to lose one pound one must use up 3500 calories than you take in as food. Obviously, exercise coupled with a reduction in calories is the answer. You could engage in moderate exercise for 30 minutes a day, for example, walking, then choose low fat low calorie food, eat smaller portions, and drink water instead of sodas that are very high in sugar.

If we have learned anything about achieving happiness and well-being in the Second Half it is we are in control of our destiny. This is especially true as it relates to our physical and mental well-being which both can be enhanced through proper exercise and diet. So if you feel a little sluggish and note the love handles are getting larger, do something about your diet and exercise habits. You’ll feel much better when you do!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

YOU WANT PEACE IN THE HOME, RENEGOTIATE YOUR ROLE

I mentioned in a earlier, post, communicating with each other about roles and how to fill in the spaces in each other’s lives is crucial to making a smooth transition into the Second Half. In an amusing article, “‘Honey, I'm Home! - For Good: The Transition to Retirement,” Kirk Bloir illuminates the situation by quoting a couple’s reaction to their new circumstances:

"At first it was great having George around all of the time, but now he's into everything. He's rearranged my cupboards, moved the linens from one closet to the other, and has started giving me his own Hints from Heloise. When he was working, I never heard a peep about how I ran my home. If I have to hear one more time about how much he misses the 'guys' I'm going to scream. You know, I really thought it would be different, better somehow."
"For the past couple of weeks, things have been great—Ginger and I were really enjoying each other's company. Now all we seem to do is fight. The other day when I helped her out by maximizing our storage space and offered a more efficient way to do the dishes, man did she hit the roof. And I really miss my pals at the shop. It seems as if my usefulness has run its course."


Are you having difficulty navigating your way into the Second Half with your spouse? A good starting point is to understand that retirement is a process not an end state. Or to put it another way, the problem is not being retired, but becoming retired. Bearing this point in mind, it helps if you reframe your retirement and passage into the Second Half as a process involving yourself and your spouse. I failed to do this. When I retired I made every conceivable mistake, beginning with failing to tell my wife I was planning to retire. I had been thinking about leaving work for a while, and when the opportunity presented itself I was ready to jump. Unfortunately, I did not take into account the psychological and emotional impact it would have on my wife, or myself for that matter. Thanks to her understanding and patience, we were able to work through many issues and, in the process, strengthen our relationship.

One of the most important issues is being careful not to infringe upon your spouse’s role as homemaker, wife and mother. The best way to do this is to involve them in carving out a new role for yourself. Remember, work occupied about 40 percent of your time. When you retire, the challenge is to fill in that time without tripping over each other as I did. One spouse summed up the problem this way: “I never imagined it would be so hard to be together 24/7.” Another wife put it this way: “I am with this person for better or worse, but not for lunch.”

With apologies to non-traditional couples, I am referring to males in traditional Boomer marriages, where there is a tendency to become involved in activities that are normally the province of their wives. For example, I had two school-age children when I retired. My wife had done an absolutely wonderful job of raising them while I was bringing home the bacon. One day, I made a suggestion about something to do with their schoolwork; I do not remember exactly what it was. I do remember my wife exclaiming with some frustration that she had always made the decisions about the children’s schooling, so why was I getting involved now? I failed to take into account that over the course of a marriage, both of us took on roles that became part of who we were. When one of the spouses unwittingly takes on the other’s role and invades their turf, it is often a source of anger. If this sounds familiar, become more sensitive to your spouse’s role and turf in the house especially when you are tempted to rearrange the furniture in the living room, or straighten out the pantry, or give instructions to the cleaning lady. If you do you’ll earn the gratitude of your spouse and reduce the level of frustration and anger in your home.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

SEVEN STEPS TO A SATISFYING RETIREMENT

As you are well aware by now there are over 80 million Baby Boomers who are beginning to retire in droves. In fact, one Boomer reaches age fifty every 7.5 seconds. Most will retire within 5 years. Because Boomers are chronologically, physically and psychologically younger than their parents were when they retired it will be very different for them. So if you are a Boomer here a seven suggestions for making your retirement more satisfying.

1. Retire the word “retirement” from your vocabulary. Think of it as making a transition from the First Half to the Second Half of your life something akin to moving from infancy to adolescence. In this way your retirement can be properly seen as an opportunity for growth, learning and discovery.

2. Listen to your inner voice when it begins asking, “Who am I?”, “How do I use my talents?”, and “What do I believe?” These questions provide an opportunity to identify and live unfulfilled dreams as well as allowing you to use hidden talents—things that are often illusive during the First Half.

3. Allow yourself to dream about all the things you’d like to do and to be. Perhaps it’s buying a vacation house, or taking piano lessons or starting a new business. A well known person reluctantly thrust into the Second Half dreamed about opening a fried chicken restaurant borrowing a recipe that had been used in the family for years. Colonel Sanders and his Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise are now part of popular lore about the power of dreams.

4. Evaluate your situation remembering that life is made up of many different parts—career, finances, friends, marriage, mental and physical development, values, etc. One of your goals in the Second Half is to create a more balanced life by placing equal emphasis on each part-- again, something that was often difficult to pull off in the First Half. So assess each part of your life and determine where you need to refocus. For example, you may conclude you have neglected your health or an important relationship. If so, do something to correct the situation.

5. Develop goals and set priorities for important areas of your life. This will help you organize your time and energies in pursuit of your dreams. One of the reasons people often flounder during their Second Half is they don’t have goals. As a result, their time is often frittered away. Remember, goals create action and its action that gets results.

6. Organize your time using a day planner or wireless device because it helps impose structure on each day, something that is lost when you leave work and retire. In this manner, there is greater likelihood you’ll achieve goals that are important to you.

7. Eliminate negative self-talk because it sabotages the opportunity to achieve your dreams and goals for the Second Half. When you have a negative thought replace it with a positive one. For example, if one of your goals for the Second Half is to find part time employment and you find yourself thinking “No one is going to hire me at my age.” Replace the though with one that proclaims, “The job market is challenging but I have a lot to offer.” I know it is hard to believe but the mind doesn’t distinguish a true thought from a false one. Whatever is planted in the mind becomes reality.

The transition into the Second Half is often jarring and unsettling. There will undoubtedly be periods of uncertainty, anxiety, even fear. These reactions are normal. Making a successful transition often involves going up a lot of different paths until the right one is found. However, if you follow these seven steps I am confident the path will be a lot smoother for you.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

HOW TO GET STARTED IF YOU HAVE TO FIND A JOB

If you are thinking about finding a job in the Second Half, you’ll have a lot of company because fifty and over is one of the fastest growing labor force groups in the country. The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that only 13 percent of American workers were fifty-five and older in 2000 whereas by the year 2015 workers fifty-five plus will make up over 20 percent of the workforce. The reason for this trend is clear: more and more people are looking to supplement their retirement income since many either failed to save enough money to retire or the value of their retirement plans especially 401(k)s and IRAs plummeted during the recent market crash.

According to a recent AARP study, 80 percent of Baby Boomers expect to keep working when they are retired. Some are seeking a way to get out of the house. Others want the social interaction work often provides. And still others miss the structure and routine of going to work. But, most of the respondents to the AARP survey cited money as the primary reason for seeking employment. As stated earlier, it is becoming more and more apparent that many of us will need to find part-time, maybe even full-time, employment in the Second Half in order to make up for the shortfall in our retirement portfolios.

For those who have been out of the job market for an extended period of time, this can be a very challenging time. But as with all challenges, a positive attitude, proper preparation, and a little good luck should help you find a job that will allow you to earn a steady income stream. There are numerous Web sites providing help to seniors who are looking for jobs. There are those that help you polish your résumé, sites that post your résumé, job search engines to help you find positions, and sites that list companies that hire seniors. If you decide you need to seek employment, here are some steps you can take.

Step One: Identify Your Skills

The skills that you utilized in the First Half may no longer be as relevant in today’s marketplace. Read want ads for positions you are interested in and determine if the qualifications and experience they call for match those you can claim. For example, you may find you need to update your computer skills, especially Windows-based programs. There are numerous websites offering skills inventory worksheets and programs to help you take stock of your skills as well as enabling you to assess which ones you may need to develop in the new economy. You'll be suprised after a lifetime of work and study how many skills you can legitimately claim. Just Google "skills inventory" and you are on your way.


Step Two: Update Your Skills

If you decide your skills need updating, take classes offered by local community colleges. Most offer a wide range of classes in the evening specifically targeted to adults who need to update their skills. Many of these brick-and-mortar educational institutions offer online courses you can take without leaving your home. There are, of course, a plethora of online educational institutions that also offer courses.

Step Three: Retool Your Résumé

Write a résumé making sure to highlight relevant skills and experience. Make your résumé as concise as possible to avoid appearing to be overqualified or too experienced. Emphasize your skills and relevant accomplishments rather than providing a boring chronology of where you worked, dates, etc. Think of your résumé as a biographical profile designed to differentiate you from everyone else. Remember, you have nothing to lose by separating yourself from the clutter. Once you’ve updated your skills and created a résumé, it’s time to market yourself. Keep in mind that searching for a job is a multidimensional campaign consisting of five important elements:

1. Going on line
2. Looking for companies that hire seniors
3. Answering want ads
4. Contacting recruitment agencies
5. Plugging into your network

Job Strategy #1: Going Online

Create a blog that highlights your expertise. An excellent tool is Blogger developed by Google that provides a series of blog templates you can use to post your resume. Google will also host your blog for a modest annual fee. You can also use one of a number of résumé services that can help you develop a colorful and fresh résumé. The idea is to show off your computer and other relevant skills to prospective employers. You should also use job search engines to both post your résumé and to search for jobs. Two of the more popular job search engines are Monster.com and CareerBuilder.com.

Job Strategy #2: Looking for Companies That Hire Seniors

There are a number of companies that actively recruit seniors. You can find them through the various job search engines as well as conventional search engines such as Google and Yahoo. All you need to do is type in “companies that hire seniors” and you will get extensive listings.

Job Strategy #3: Answering Want Ads

Your local paper is sure to have a want ad section listing full- and part-time jobs. Generally speaking, this is one of the least effective approaches to finding a job, but as part of an overall job search campaign, you shouldn’t overlook it. Never leave a rock unturned when job hunting.

Job Strategy #4: Contacting Recruiting Agencies

Again, not a very productive avenue for seniors. Most firms target younger individuals reflecting the demands of their client companies; but this is not to be overlooked as part of an overall job search campaign.

Job Strategy #5: Plugging Into Your Network

This is a good technique for older individuals because many jobs for seniors are not advertised. It’s a good idea to make a list of everyone you know and make sure they understand you are looking for a job. You’ll be surprised how many people get jobs using their networks. In fact it is the most productive of all the job search stratgies. When it comes to job hunting, who you know really is more important than what you know.

The most difficult part of searching for a job is remaining positive and optimistic especially since you are not in control of events. The best approach is to turn the process into a numbers game much like insurance sales professional who are taught the 10/5/1 rule. It goes like this, for every ten phone calls they make they'll book five appointments and sell one policy. Based on these ratios when a top insurance professional gets turned down for an appointment rather than feeling rejected they assume they are one phone call closer to making a sale. The job search process works much the same way. So when you feel rejected and disheartened reframe the situation by focusing on the 10/5/1 rule. I guarantee it'll turn things around for you. It did for me during some very difficult times when I was on the beach looking for work.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

SEVEN SUGGESTIONS FOR MAKING FRIENDS

Several months ago my wife and I were at a local affair when a friend came over and asked me if I’d be interested in joining the Romeo Club. My wife was aghast and answered for me, “Certainly not!” she said. Detecting her angst, my friend clarified matters by explaining that the “Club” was not for ageing swingers but a club for Retired Old Men Eating Out! He and a group of about ten retired men had lunch every Friday to kid around, talk about their tennis and golf games, ruminate on new aches and pains, discuss travel plans, skewer fellow club members who couldn’t make lunch and otherwise enjoy each others company. As a recovering introvert, I politely said something to the effect that I was busy with my children but would turn up when I had a chance. Fat chance I thought at the time! I soon realized that I didn’t want to attend the lunch because I was shying away from intimacy and, therefore, losing an opportunity to make new friends. Do you suffer from the same problem? Have you been able to form new relationships now that you are retired and entering your Second Half? If so, you are not alone.

One of the things that strike me about my fellow Boomers is the lack of intimacy we have with each other. The problem particularly for men begins in school and continues through work. The primary reason is the perception that it is not manly to share feelings, or reveal too much of oneself to others. While we can survive the lack of real friendships when working, there are other things filling up our space and time, when we retire, the lack of meaningful relationships with other people can be a primary source of unhappiness, even depression. Conversely, having close friends can be a source of happiness and physical and mental well being.

If you believe you need to develop closer more intimate relationships with other people, here are some suggestions for doing this.

1. Make “Relationship” a Verb.

John Dillinger said he robbed banks because that’s where the money is. If you want to meet people make an effort to go to events, join clubs and community associations because that’s where people are. Chances are you’ll meet people who like you are interested in developing relationships. Once you meet new people staying on contact is vital. George H. Bush is regarded as one of the greatest relationship builders of all time maintaining a network of thousands of individuals around the world. He routinely sends letters, notes, clippings, makes stay in touch phone calls. His ability to build a powerful coalition in support of the Gulf War is credited to the strength and quality of the relationships he developed with other leaders.

2. Take the First Step

How many times have you gone to a meeting or social event and failed to initiate contact with another person because you didn’t want to seem pushy, or you decided the other person was too busy talking to other people, or you didn’t want the other person to think you wanted something from them? We all have these feelings because we fear not being in control or being rejected. So does the other person. As a result nothing happens and an opportunity is lost for possibly making a new friend. Remember “relationship” is a verb it requires action, your action. So take the initiative to make first contact.


3. Have Dialogues, Not Monologues.

When you meet people for the first time, let the other person do the talking. If you do all the talking you’re communicating to the other person that your needs and your ideas are more important than theirs. As a result, trust and credibility two ingredients essential to lasting relationships go out the window. When you make an effort to ask questions and understand the other person they feel you are interested in them, not in what they can do for you. A good approach for building rapport and establishing common ground is to ask open-ended questions, which don’t require a yes or no answer.

4. Stay Positive

There is nothing more harmful to a relationship than being negative, and judgmental. Build people up. When you do they will go through brick walls for you. When there is a legitimate disagreement on an issue remember to be easy on the person and hard on the issue. The other person will respect you for making the distinction.

5. Be There

When you are dealing with someone give them your undivided attention. Pay attention to feelings. Ask follow up questions. Nod, show empathy. Don’t challenge or disagree prematurely. And, don’t interpret what you hear through your own experience. People who’ve met Bill Clinton invariably say that he made them feel they were the most important person on the planet. Although he is one of the most famous people in the world he understands the importance of being there, so can you.

6. Pay Attention to Non-Verbals

You’ve heard the expression that actions speak louder than words, well it’s true. What you say is less important than how you say it and even less important than your body language. Communication experts agree that body language accounts for 55% of communication effectiveness, how you say it accounts for about 35% and what you say accounts for only 10%! If you are telling someone you want their opinion while looking at your watch. Guess which message is heard?

7. Be Yourself

No one likes a phony. When your are an authentic person who shares their feelings other people are drawn to you. Authentic people don’t pretend they have all the answers. They are not afraid to admit they are wrong or capable of making mistakes. Studies show that people who admit they are wrong and acknowledge mistakes are more attractive and desirable as partners and friends. When you are authentic it allows other people to be authentic. Shakespeare gave us good advice saying, “To thine own self be true.”

John Dunne said no man is an island unto himself. We are social animals whose very happiness and well being is dependent on having relationships with other people. So if you want to be happier and add years to your life make it your business to develop close relationships with other people by turning relationship into a verb, when you have a chance to meet people listen more and talk less, be present when dealing with them, stay positive, and watch the non verbals. And most of all, as Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true.” If you do, you’ll develop strong relationships with the people around you and achieve the kind of happiness you want and deserve.

Monday, April 6, 2009

HOW TO PUT A STAKE THROUGH YOUR FALSE SELF

I initially became a social scientist because I wanted to understand myself. Why was I insecure? Why did I need the approval of other people? Why did I have dark moods? Why was I angry? These were the kinds of questions about myself that fueled a lifetime interest in human behavior. Have I found the answers? To some extent. One of the breakthroughs for me was the realization that I created a false self to earn the approval and esteem of others, especially my parents, teachers and other authority figures. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, this caused me to act out in negative, self-destructive ways.

Alice Miller the eminent psychiatrist chronicles this phenomenon in
her book For Your Own Good which is a must read for anyone who wants to understand how parenting impacts us as adults. According to Miller, parents often extol their children to behave or think in some prescribed manner; for example, what to wear to school. When the child resists the parent proclaims it’s for the child’s own good they dress in the required manner. However, according to Dr. Miller the child perceives it’s for their parents own good but in order to gain love and approval they obey or conform. The effect of these repeated interactions are the child loses their sense of self or identity. This comes to a head when as adults we have what Miller calls a “narcissistic disturbance”, the realization that the person we see in the mirror is not the person we really are. One of the ironies of Miller’s theory is that we often repeat the sins of our parents with our own children by urging them to conform to our needs and expectations for their own good. I have to constantly be on guard to avoid this.

If the false self is created out of an understandable but misguided need to win the approval of others, how can we put a stake through its heart and find our true or authentic self? Before answering the question, have you had a narcissistic disturbance? Have you felt at three o’clock in the morning in the dark night of the soul that you are not the person you want to be? If the answer is “yes” you have taken a giant step toward becoming the real or authentic you. One of the defenses we create to avoid pain and suffering is denial. It is only through our willingness to suffer and confront the ugly truth about ourselves that we can find happiness and contentment. I had such an experience over a dozen years ago when I realized that the way I dressed, the way I spoke, the things I said were all part of an elaborate conspiracy to impress and win the approval of others. That realization caused me to breakdown in tears as I began the process of discovering and then accepting the real me. The first thing I did was come to grips with the fact I was not perfect and that God loved me anyway. It’s called unconditional love and is the complete opposite of the parental love described by Alice Miller. It logically follows that if God created us in his image we are perfect in his sight and therefore called to love ourselves as his creation. Remember, the Golden Rule tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. This means loving ourselves in a healthy not a narcissistic way.

As a result of my own narcissistic disturbance, I no longer need to search for love in all the wrong places by trying to win the approval of others and being hurt, moody and angry when my narcissistic needs are not met. Sure, I still have my ups and down with occasional visits to my dark side but they are fewer and fewer and when they do take place I have someone to turn to. As I say to my children, God gave us knees for a purpose.