THE ROOTS OF ANGER

In an earlier post I mentioned that one of the ways retired Boomers sabotage their happiness and well being is through chronic anger. At the time I was actually referring to crankiness and grumpiness not the kind of anger that makes our blood pressure go up! I want to briefly deal with this kind of anger now hoping it may shed some light on our behavior when we go off the rails!

Not log ago I was reading something about anger in Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence. He used the term “emotional hijacking“ to describe the type of anger or rage that makes the hair stand on end and the heart rate and blood pressure go through the roof. I confess I have been guilty of such rage and only recently realized that although the triggering event is something that takes place in the present the root cause of the “hijacking” and other forms of self sabotage is often the result of something that happened in the past. Specifically, in our childhood.

A painful recollection of such an event took place several years ago when my wife and I were scheduled to close on a mortgage in our lawyer’s office. I took off from work to take care of this matter. My lawyer advised me to be on time because he was leaving the office immediately after the closing to go on vacation. On the way to his office I became stuck in a massive traffic jam, the kind where the roadway turns into a parking lot. Time began ticking away, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, it looked like I wasn’t going to make the closing. All of a sudden I became enraged and started punching the ceiling of the car and cursing like a sailor. I remember my wife looking at me as though I was crazy. Later, after I calmed down I realized my reaction to the situation was over the top and I sought to understand the reason for my extreme behavior.

I subsequently learned that many of us have childhood experiences that we represses chiefly because they were unpleasant and a source of unhappiness.
Later as adults we often act out these unresolved childhood issues by engaging in self defeating behavior. For example, when we procrastinate we may be subconsciously rebelling against our parents who were controlling and authoritarian. Or when we become angry at our spouse over mild criticism we may be subconsciously reacting to being publicly criticized and embarrassed by one of our elementary school teachers. Or, when we avoid developing close relationships with other people because we may be subconsciously avoiding the pain of rejection that resulted from an argument with a childhood friend. In each instance we have transferred repressed childhood emotions to events or situations that occur as adults.

How do we know we acting out unresolved childhood issues? When find ourselves misinterpreting or overreacting to situations for no logical reason. For example, we are offended at not being invited to a friend’s daughter’s wedding even though we acknowledge we do not have a relationship with the daughter. Or, we know a friend is very busy at work and doesn’t promptly return a phone call and we interpret it as a lack of respect on their part. Or, we find ourselves getting angry and overreacting to a situation as I did when I became stuck in traffic.

What unresolved childhood experience was I reacting to, you may ask. I concluded after a lot of research and soul searching that my anger was directed at my parents who divorced when I was twelve. It made for a difficult childhood and I subconsciously vowed not to give up control of my life and well being as a way of protecting myself from future disappointments. When I was stuck in traffic and running the risk of missing the closing I was subconsciously reacting to the loss of control I felt as a child not to the loss of control over missing the closing. Something, that in hindsight could have easily been resolved.

What are the implications of this to you? If you find yourself overreacting to situations especially by getting angry, or hurt or offended ask yourself if it is justified given the circumstances. If not, go back into your childhood and see if you can identify experiences or events that may have been unpleasant or made you unhappy that you might be acting out now as an adult. Because as I subsequently learned, making something conscious that resides in your subconscious is the best way to eliminate this type of self defeating, angry behavior.