LOWER YOUR STRESS, COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SPOUSE

When couples enter the Second Half they have many pressing issues to deal with including, the aging process, finances, medical problems, where to live, relationships with children and other family members, making legal decisions and other issues that can strain even the best of marriages. The key to dealing with these issues is communications. Here are some ideas about how to communicate more effectively with our spouse:

-Figure out what you want to say. Before you talk with your spouse about something, make sure you know what you want to tell him or her to minimize possible misunderstandings.

-Decide what you need from your spouse. You are more likely to get your needs met, whether it be a hug or an answer to a question, if you know what you want.

-Use good judgment in timing. Is your spouse sick or preparing for a big meeting at work? Consider your partner’s state of mind when choosing a time to talk.

-Make eye contact. Your spouse will be more likely to listen and hear you if you are looking right at each other.

-Get your spouse’s undivided attention. You will not be heard if your spouse is thinking about something else when you are trying to talk with him or her.

-Be a good listener. By being attentive to your spouse, you will have a more productive discussion.

-Don’t get into heated arguments with your spouse when you are talking on the telephone. Conflicts are much better resolved in person.

-Confirm that you were heard. Ask your spouse if he or she fully understands what you just said. Then, and only then, will your spouse be able to respond properly.

-After your spouse has told you something, rephrase what he or she has said. This will let your spouse know for sure that you’ve heard what he or she is saying.

-Schedule a better discussion time if necessary. Sometimes it’s just not possible to get your spouse’s attention at the exact moment that you want it.

Remember that communication is a two-way street. If both of you follow these steps you will strengthen your relationship with your spouse. As I mentioned earlier, poor communications lies at the heart of most of the conflict and stress couples have as they enter the Second Half. It results in increasing doubt and uncertainty about the future. This, in turn, increases the level of stress. The best approach for dealing with stress is to focus on building mutual trust and empathy by becoming a better listener. So, when you are having a discussion with your spouse be present. Give them your full attention. Make eye contact. Don’t let your eye or your attention wander. This is an essential part of effective communications and bears repeating.

In addition to being a better communicator there are other things you can do to build your relationship with your spouse. One of the things men feel when they retire is a lack of respect from their spouse. This is often results in the husband becoming disengaged or angry. If you feel disrespected tell your spouse then forgive them and move on. Keep in mind, you have little power to change your partner but great power to change yourself. Determine what you can do to be a better spouse then spend time and energy moving toward that goal. Take responsibility for creating a good marriage with the full knowledge of the difficulties involved. A good practice is to schedule one hour a day for time together to communicate mutual needs and wants, to affirm and validate each other, to be each others best critic and, most important to take the opportunity to be romantic and loving towards each other. Remember, marriages fail from neglect not from one or the other partners falling out of love.