SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT MARRIAGE IN THE SECOND HALF

Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities begins, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Although he was referring to France during the Revolution, he could’ve been referring to our marriages especially as we enter the Second Half. At first it is the worst of times as both spouses find their lives disrupted since one of them is now in the house, not in the office or some other workplace. This places stress on the relationship as both parties seek to adjust to a range of issues including where they will live, how much they can spend, and who will pay the bills. However, the evidence suggests that if couples can successfully work through the many issues associated with retirement, the odds are that it can be the best of times for their marriage. In fact, many couples claim they are happier and more fulfilled in the Second Half than at any other time during their marriage. One of the reasons is that with children out of the nest couples have more time to focus on each other’s needs.

According to Wendy Scarf in her book September Song, there may be another reason, time. Here’s what she discovered after interviewing a number of divorced and still married couples. Scarf says most marriages resemble U-shaped curves. They begin on a high note with the honeymoon then inevitably the couple becomes more familiar with and more critical of each other. They often struggle with financial and family issues; they become less satisfied; and some begin to stray. Eventually, they reach the bottom part of the U curve and for an extended period of time are dissatisfied with the marriage. During this period, divorce becomes an option. However, those who avoided divorce and stayed together through difficult times reported they were happier and more fulfilled in their marriages in the Second Half than at any other time. Ironically, Scarf found that after five years, the individuals who were unhappily married and divorced reported they were unhappier than their counterparts who also were unhappily married but remained with their spouses. Scarf’s conclusion: one of the benefits of increased life expectancy over the last thirty years is that if we remain in our marriages long enough there is a good chance we will outlast the bad times. Admittedly, it takes a lot of effort to build or strengthen a relationship. But the rewards are worth it, because as the research shows, having a happy marriage can ease one of life’s difficult transitions.
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Which begs the question, why do people who are unhappily married persevere in their marriage? According to Scarf, some individuals believe divorce is immoral. Others remain out of loyalty—e.g., their spouses helped them while they were in school or their spouse supported them emotionally during a crisis. Still others remain in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage because the financial cost of divorce is too great; they choose money over happiness. In some cases, couples who chose to remain in unhappy marriages live parallel lives and might as well be divorced. Regardless of the reason couples stay together, the implications of Scarf’s research is clear: if your marriage is experiencing turmoil and conflict as you enter the Second Half, ride it out rather than get a divorce. Odds are you’ll be a lot happier if you do.