SEVEN SUGGESTIONS FOR MAKING FRIENDS

Several months ago my wife and I were at a local affair when a friend came over and asked me if I’d be interested in joining the Romeo Club. My wife was aghast and answered for me, “Certainly not!” she said. Detecting her angst, my friend clarified matters by explaining that the “Club” was not for ageing swingers but a club for Retired Old Men Eating Out! He and a group of about ten retired men had lunch every Friday to kid around, talk about their tennis and golf games, ruminate on new aches and pains, discuss travel plans, skewer fellow club members who couldn’t make lunch and otherwise enjoy each others company. As a recovering introvert, I politely said something to the effect that I was busy with my children but would turn up when I had a chance. Fat chance I thought at the time! I soon realized that I didn’t want to attend the lunch because I was shying away from intimacy and, therefore, losing an opportunity to make new friends. Do you suffer from the same problem? Have you been able to form new relationships now that you are retired and entering your Second Half? If so, you are not alone.

One of the things that strike me about my fellow Boomers is the lack of intimacy we have with each other. The problem particularly for men begins in school and continues through work. The primary reason is the perception that it is not manly to share feelings, or reveal too much of oneself to others. While we can survive the lack of real friendships when working, there are other things filling up our space and time, when we retire, the lack of meaningful relationships with other people can be a primary source of unhappiness, even depression. Conversely, having close friends can be a source of happiness and physical and mental well being.

If you believe you need to develop closer more intimate relationships with other people, here are some suggestions for doing this.

1. Make “Relationship” a Verb.

John Dillinger said he robbed banks because that’s where the money is. If you want to meet people make an effort to go to events, join clubs and community associations because that’s where people are. Chances are you’ll meet people who like you are interested in developing relationships. Once you meet new people staying on contact is vital. George H. Bush is regarded as one of the greatest relationship builders of all time maintaining a network of thousands of individuals around the world. He routinely sends letters, notes, clippings, makes stay in touch phone calls. His ability to build a powerful coalition in support of the Gulf War is credited to the strength and quality of the relationships he developed with other leaders.

2. Take the First Step

How many times have you gone to a meeting or social event and failed to initiate contact with another person because you didn’t want to seem pushy, or you decided the other person was too busy talking to other people, or you didn’t want the other person to think you wanted something from them? We all have these feelings because we fear not being in control or being rejected. So does the other person. As a result nothing happens and an opportunity is lost for possibly making a new friend. Remember “relationship” is a verb it requires action, your action. So take the initiative to make first contact.


3. Have Dialogues, Not Monologues.

When you meet people for the first time, let the other person do the talking. If you do all the talking you’re communicating to the other person that your needs and your ideas are more important than theirs. As a result, trust and credibility two ingredients essential to lasting relationships go out the window. When you make an effort to ask questions and understand the other person they feel you are interested in them, not in what they can do for you. A good approach for building rapport and establishing common ground is to ask open-ended questions, which don’t require a yes or no answer.

4. Stay Positive

There is nothing more harmful to a relationship than being negative, and judgmental. Build people up. When you do they will go through brick walls for you. When there is a legitimate disagreement on an issue remember to be easy on the person and hard on the issue. The other person will respect you for making the distinction.

5. Be There

When you are dealing with someone give them your undivided attention. Pay attention to feelings. Ask follow up questions. Nod, show empathy. Don’t challenge or disagree prematurely. And, don’t interpret what you hear through your own experience. People who’ve met Bill Clinton invariably say that he made them feel they were the most important person on the planet. Although he is one of the most famous people in the world he understands the importance of being there, so can you.

6. Pay Attention to Non-Verbals

You’ve heard the expression that actions speak louder than words, well it’s true. What you say is less important than how you say it and even less important than your body language. Communication experts agree that body language accounts for 55% of communication effectiveness, how you say it accounts for about 35% and what you say accounts for only 10%! If you are telling someone you want their opinion while looking at your watch. Guess which message is heard?

7. Be Yourself

No one likes a phony. When your are an authentic person who shares their feelings other people are drawn to you. Authentic people don’t pretend they have all the answers. They are not afraid to admit they are wrong or capable of making mistakes. Studies show that people who admit they are wrong and acknowledge mistakes are more attractive and desirable as partners and friends. When you are authentic it allows other people to be authentic. Shakespeare gave us good advice saying, “To thine own self be true.”

John Dunne said no man is an island unto himself. We are social animals whose very happiness and well being is dependent on having relationships with other people. So if you want to be happier and add years to your life make it your business to develop close relationships with other people by turning relationship into a verb, when you have a chance to meet people listen more and talk less, be present when dealing with them, stay positive, and watch the non verbals. And most of all, as Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true.” If you do, you’ll develop strong relationships with the people around you and achieve the kind of happiness you want and deserve.