ANGER AND SELF SABOTAGE

I mentioned in an earlier post that making the transition into the Second Half can be difficult. One of the main reasons is our tendency to engage in self defeating behavior that robs us of the happiness and well being we deserve. One of the primary forms of self sabotage is chronic anger.

This hit home several years ago when my teenage son asked me why I was angry all the time. After yelling at him “What do you mean?” thereby proving his point, I asked him what percentage of the time was I angry. He said seventy five percent. I was ashamed of myself, but proud of my son for speaking the truth. I knew I was kind of cranky and grumpy. But, I rationalized it as hormonal. There is something called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) which suggests it may be. I assume there is some sort of injection we can take to cure it! Regardless of whether my anger was hormonal or not, my son saw that underneath the bitching, complaining, lack of patience and general irritation was an angry old man. And, it was robbing me of my happiness and well being as well as hurting my relationship with the people I loved. A real double whammy!

There are of course degrees of anger. There is crankiness and mild irritation and there is rage than can cause blood pressure to rise and other health related consequences. Daniel Goleman, in Emotional Intelligence, refers to this type of anger as an “emotional high jacking.” If you are suffering from this kind of rage you may benefit from anger management counseling. However, if your anger is milder, you are cranky or grumpy, there are things you can do to be less irritable and cranky.

The first step to overcoming anger is identifying its source. Some anger results from feeling we are not in control. For example, I often nag my wife about doing things that really don’t matter. For example, buying fish for dinner, or walking the dogs more often, or paying the bills on time. I can say with out any malice that she rarely listens to me. When I get angry with her it’s not over fish, or dogs or paying bills it’s because I can't control her behavior. Good for her!

Another source of anger results from feeling a lack of respect. For example, I was waiting in line at an airline check in counter and observed someone traveling first class ranting at a counter clerk for keeping them waiting while waiting on another passenger who was flying coach. The first class passenger was reacting to what they perceived was a lack of respect for their superior status.

A third source of anger results from projecting anger directed at ourselves on to another person. I concluded that my chronic anger, some of it directed at my son, resulted from a deep sense of frustration I felt for not using my skills and talents to do something worthwhile for other people. I was taking out my anger on members of my family rather than on myself. By the way, my son tells me I am doing a lot better!

The first step for reducing anger is to own your behavior and take responsibility for it. If you are not sure anger is a problem, ask the people around you. Then do a little soul searching and see if you can identify the source of your anger. It’s probably one of three underlying causes I mentioned earlier-- not feeling in control, feeling a lack of respect, projecting your anger on to others. It requires brutal honesty on your part but well worth it. A helpful hint is, keep an “anger” diary. Whenever you get angry or irritable write down the triggering event and the date and time it occurred. Do this for several weeks then review your diary and for each episode write down the underlying causes of your anger.

A second step for reducing anger is to reframe the situation that’s making you angry. For example, when I find myself getting angry over slow service or mediocre food rather than turning into a control drama I depersonalize it by attributing the problem to a broken stove or a new waiter or some other factor. The first class passenger who gets angry waiting in line for a passenger flying coach to check in can reframe the situation by praising the airline for treating all passengers alike regardless of the class they are flying.

If you are angry try some of the techniques I’ve suggested. If all else fails, try to accept life as it unfolds. Acceptance is a great antidote to anger. This means accepting situations you encounter, accepting other people you encounter with all their faults and weaknesses and, most of all, accepting yourself with all your faults and weaknesses. If you can do these things you’ll be a happier more satisfied individual.