If you are thinking about finding a job in the Second Half, you’ll have a lot of company because fifty and over is one of the fastest growing labor force groups in the country. The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that only 13 percent of American workers were fifty-five and older in 2000 whereas by the year 2015 workers fifty-five plus will make up over 20 percent of the workforce. The reason for this trend is clear: more and more people are looking to supplement their retirement income since many either failed to save enough money to retire or the value of their retirement plans especially 401(k)s and IRAs plummeted during the recent market crash.
According to a recent AARP study, 80 percent of Baby Boomers expect to keep working when they are retired. Some are seeking a way to get out of the house. Others want the social interaction work often provides. And still others miss the structure and routine of going to work. But, most of the respondents to the AARP survey cited money as the primary reason for seeking employment. As stated earlier, it is becoming more and more apparent that many of us will need to find part-time, maybe even full-time, employment in the Second Half in order to make up for the shortfall in our retirement portfolios.
For those who have been out of the job market for an extended period of time, this can be a very challenging time. But as with all challenges, a positive attitude, proper preparation, and a little good luck should help you find a job that will allow you to earn a steady income stream. There are numerous Web sites providing help to seniors who are looking for jobs. There are those that help you polish your résumé, sites that post your résumé, job search engines to help you find positions, and sites that list companies that hire seniors. If you decide you need to seek employment, here are some steps you can take.
Step One: Identify Your Skills
The skills that you utilized in the First Half may no longer be as relevant in today’s marketplace. Read want ads for positions you are interested in and determine if the qualifications and experience they call for match those you can claim. For example, you may find you need to update your computer skills, especially Windows-based programs. There are numerous websites offering skills inventory worksheets and programs to help you take stock of your skills as well as enabling you to assess which ones you may need to develop in the new economy. You'll be suprised after a lifetime of work and study how many skills you can legitimately claim. Just Google "skills inventory" and you are on your way.
Step Two: Update Your Skills
If you decide your skills need updating, take classes offered by local community colleges. Most offer a wide range of classes in the evening specifically targeted to adults who need to update their skills. Many of these brick-and-mortar educational institutions offer online courses you can take without leaving your home. There are, of course, a plethora of online educational institutions that also offer courses.
Step Three: Retool Your Résumé
Write a résumé making sure to highlight relevant skills and experience. Make your résumé as concise as possible to avoid appearing to be overqualified or too experienced. Emphasize your skills and relevant accomplishments rather than providing a boring chronology of where you worked, dates, etc. Think of your résumé as a biographical profile designed to differentiate you from everyone else. Remember, you have nothing to lose by separating yourself from the clutter. Once you’ve updated your skills and created a résumé, it’s time to market yourself. Keep in mind that searching for a job is a multidimensional campaign consisting of five important elements:
1. Going on line
2. Looking for companies that hire seniors
3. Answering want ads
4. Contacting recruitment agencies
5. Plugging into your network
Job Strategy #1: Going Online
Create a blog that highlights your expertise. An excellent tool is Blogger developed by Google that provides a series of blog templates you can use to post your resume. Google will also host your blog for a modest annual fee. You can also use one of a number of résumé services that can help you develop a colorful and fresh résumé. The idea is to show off your computer and other relevant skills to prospective employers. You should also use job search engines to both post your résumé and to search for jobs. Two of the more popular job search engines are Monster.com and CareerBuilder.com.
Job Strategy #2: Looking for Companies That Hire Seniors
There are a number of companies that actively recruit seniors. You can find them through the various job search engines as well as conventional search engines such as Google and Yahoo. All you need to do is type in “companies that hire seniors” and you will get extensive listings.
Job Strategy #3: Answering Want Ads
Your local paper is sure to have a want ad section listing full- and part-time jobs. Generally speaking, this is one of the least effective approaches to finding a job, but as part of an overall job search campaign, you shouldn’t overlook it. Never leave a rock unturned when job hunting.
Job Strategy #4: Contacting Recruiting Agencies
Again, not a very productive avenue for seniors. Most firms target younger individuals reflecting the demands of their client companies; but this is not to be overlooked as part of an overall job search campaign.
Job Strategy #5: Plugging Into Your Network
This is a good technique for older individuals because many jobs for seniors are not advertised. It’s a good idea to make a list of everyone you know and make sure they understand you are looking for a job. You’ll be surprised how many people get jobs using their networks. In fact it is the most productive of all the job search stratgies. When it comes to job hunting, who you know really is more important than what you know.
The most difficult part of searching for a job is remaining positive and optimistic especially since you are not in control of events. The best approach is to turn the process into a numbers game much like insurance sales professional who are taught the 10/5/1 rule. It goes like this, for every ten phone calls they make they'll book five appointments and sell one policy. Based on these ratios when a top insurance professional gets turned down for an appointment rather than feeling rejected they assume they are one phone call closer to making a sale. The job search process works much the same way. So when you feel rejected and disheartened reframe the situation by focusing on the 10/5/1 rule. I guarantee it'll turn things around for you. It did for me during some very difficult times when I was on the beach looking for work.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
SEVEN SUGGESTIONS FOR MAKING FRIENDS
Several months ago my wife and I were at a local affair when a friend came over and asked me if I’d be interested in joining the Romeo Club. My wife was aghast and answered for me, “Certainly not!” she said. Detecting her angst, my friend clarified matters by explaining that the “Club” was not for ageing swingers but a club for Retired Old Men Eating Out! He and a group of about ten retired men had lunch every Friday to kid around, talk about their tennis and golf games, ruminate on new aches and pains, discuss travel plans, skewer fellow club members who couldn’t make lunch and otherwise enjoy each others company. As a recovering introvert, I politely said something to the effect that I was busy with my children but would turn up when I had a chance. Fat chance I thought at the time! I soon realized that I didn’t want to attend the lunch because I was shying away from intimacy and, therefore, losing an opportunity to make new friends. Do you suffer from the same problem? Have you been able to form new relationships now that you are retired and entering your Second Half? If so, you are not alone.
One of the things that strike me about my fellow Boomers is the lack of intimacy we have with each other. The problem particularly for men begins in school and continues through work. The primary reason is the perception that it is not manly to share feelings, or reveal too much of oneself to others. While we can survive the lack of real friendships when working, there are other things filling up our space and time, when we retire, the lack of meaningful relationships with other people can be a primary source of unhappiness, even depression. Conversely, having close friends can be a source of happiness and physical and mental well being.
If you believe you need to develop closer more intimate relationships with other people, here are some suggestions for doing this.
1. Make “Relationship” a Verb.
John Dillinger said he robbed banks because that’s where the money is. If you want to meet people make an effort to go to events, join clubs and community associations because that’s where people are. Chances are you’ll meet people who like you are interested in developing relationships. Once you meet new people staying on contact is vital. George H. Bush is regarded as one of the greatest relationship builders of all time maintaining a network of thousands of individuals around the world. He routinely sends letters, notes, clippings, makes stay in touch phone calls. His ability to build a powerful coalition in support of the Gulf War is credited to the strength and quality of the relationships he developed with other leaders.
2. Take the First Step
How many times have you gone to a meeting or social event and failed to initiate contact with another person because you didn’t want to seem pushy, or you decided the other person was too busy talking to other people, or you didn’t want the other person to think you wanted something from them? We all have these feelings because we fear not being in control or being rejected. So does the other person. As a result nothing happens and an opportunity is lost for possibly making a new friend. Remember “relationship” is a verb it requires action, your action. So take the initiative to make first contact.
3. Have Dialogues, Not Monologues.
When you meet people for the first time, let the other person do the talking. If you do all the talking you’re communicating to the other person that your needs and your ideas are more important than theirs. As a result, trust and credibility two ingredients essential to lasting relationships go out the window. When you make an effort to ask questions and understand the other person they feel you are interested in them, not in what they can do for you. A good approach for building rapport and establishing common ground is to ask open-ended questions, which don’t require a yes or no answer.
4. Stay Positive
There is nothing more harmful to a relationship than being negative, and judgmental. Build people up. When you do they will go through brick walls for you. When there is a legitimate disagreement on an issue remember to be easy on the person and hard on the issue. The other person will respect you for making the distinction.
5. Be There
When you are dealing with someone give them your undivided attention. Pay attention to feelings. Ask follow up questions. Nod, show empathy. Don’t challenge or disagree prematurely. And, don’t interpret what you hear through your own experience. People who’ve met Bill Clinton invariably say that he made them feel they were the most important person on the planet. Although he is one of the most famous people in the world he understands the importance of being there, so can you.
6. Pay Attention to Non-Verbals
You’ve heard the expression that actions speak louder than words, well it’s true. What you say is less important than how you say it and even less important than your body language. Communication experts agree that body language accounts for 55% of communication effectiveness, how you say it accounts for about 35% and what you say accounts for only 10%! If you are telling someone you want their opinion while looking at your watch. Guess which message is heard?
7. Be Yourself
No one likes a phony. When your are an authentic person who shares their feelings other people are drawn to you. Authentic people don’t pretend they have all the answers. They are not afraid to admit they are wrong or capable of making mistakes. Studies show that people who admit they are wrong and acknowledge mistakes are more attractive and desirable as partners and friends. When you are authentic it allows other people to be authentic. Shakespeare gave us good advice saying, “To thine own self be true.”
John Dunne said no man is an island unto himself. We are social animals whose very happiness and well being is dependent on having relationships with other people. So if you want to be happier and add years to your life make it your business to develop close relationships with other people by turning relationship into a verb, when you have a chance to meet people listen more and talk less, be present when dealing with them, stay positive, and watch the non verbals. And most of all, as Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true.” If you do, you’ll develop strong relationships with the people around you and achieve the kind of happiness you want and deserve.
One of the things that strike me about my fellow Boomers is the lack of intimacy we have with each other. The problem particularly for men begins in school and continues through work. The primary reason is the perception that it is not manly to share feelings, or reveal too much of oneself to others. While we can survive the lack of real friendships when working, there are other things filling up our space and time, when we retire, the lack of meaningful relationships with other people can be a primary source of unhappiness, even depression. Conversely, having close friends can be a source of happiness and physical and mental well being.
If you believe you need to develop closer more intimate relationships with other people, here are some suggestions for doing this.
1. Make “Relationship” a Verb.
John Dillinger said he robbed banks because that’s where the money is. If you want to meet people make an effort to go to events, join clubs and community associations because that’s where people are. Chances are you’ll meet people who like you are interested in developing relationships. Once you meet new people staying on contact is vital. George H. Bush is regarded as one of the greatest relationship builders of all time maintaining a network of thousands of individuals around the world. He routinely sends letters, notes, clippings, makes stay in touch phone calls. His ability to build a powerful coalition in support of the Gulf War is credited to the strength and quality of the relationships he developed with other leaders.
2. Take the First Step
How many times have you gone to a meeting or social event and failed to initiate contact with another person because you didn’t want to seem pushy, or you decided the other person was too busy talking to other people, or you didn’t want the other person to think you wanted something from them? We all have these feelings because we fear not being in control or being rejected. So does the other person. As a result nothing happens and an opportunity is lost for possibly making a new friend. Remember “relationship” is a verb it requires action, your action. So take the initiative to make first contact.
3. Have Dialogues, Not Monologues.
When you meet people for the first time, let the other person do the talking. If you do all the talking you’re communicating to the other person that your needs and your ideas are more important than theirs. As a result, trust and credibility two ingredients essential to lasting relationships go out the window. When you make an effort to ask questions and understand the other person they feel you are interested in them, not in what they can do for you. A good approach for building rapport and establishing common ground is to ask open-ended questions, which don’t require a yes or no answer.
4. Stay Positive
There is nothing more harmful to a relationship than being negative, and judgmental. Build people up. When you do they will go through brick walls for you. When there is a legitimate disagreement on an issue remember to be easy on the person and hard on the issue. The other person will respect you for making the distinction.
5. Be There
When you are dealing with someone give them your undivided attention. Pay attention to feelings. Ask follow up questions. Nod, show empathy. Don’t challenge or disagree prematurely. And, don’t interpret what you hear through your own experience. People who’ve met Bill Clinton invariably say that he made them feel they were the most important person on the planet. Although he is one of the most famous people in the world he understands the importance of being there, so can you.
6. Pay Attention to Non-Verbals
You’ve heard the expression that actions speak louder than words, well it’s true. What you say is less important than how you say it and even less important than your body language. Communication experts agree that body language accounts for 55% of communication effectiveness, how you say it accounts for about 35% and what you say accounts for only 10%! If you are telling someone you want their opinion while looking at your watch. Guess which message is heard?
7. Be Yourself
No one likes a phony. When your are an authentic person who shares their feelings other people are drawn to you. Authentic people don’t pretend they have all the answers. They are not afraid to admit they are wrong or capable of making mistakes. Studies show that people who admit they are wrong and acknowledge mistakes are more attractive and desirable as partners and friends. When you are authentic it allows other people to be authentic. Shakespeare gave us good advice saying, “To thine own self be true.”
John Dunne said no man is an island unto himself. We are social animals whose very happiness and well being is dependent on having relationships with other people. So if you want to be happier and add years to your life make it your business to develop close relationships with other people by turning relationship into a verb, when you have a chance to meet people listen more and talk less, be present when dealing with them, stay positive, and watch the non verbals. And most of all, as Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true.” If you do, you’ll develop strong relationships with the people around you and achieve the kind of happiness you want and deserve.
Monday, April 6, 2009
HOW TO PUT A STAKE THROUGH YOUR FALSE SELF
I initially became a social scientist because I wanted to understand myself. Why was I insecure? Why did I need the approval of other people? Why did I have dark moods? Why was I angry? These were the kinds of questions about myself that fueled a lifetime interest in human behavior. Have I found the answers? To some extent. One of the breakthroughs for me was the realization that I created a false self to earn the approval and esteem of others, especially my parents, teachers and other authority figures. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, this caused me to act out in negative, self-destructive ways.
Alice Miller the eminent psychiatrist chronicles this phenomenon in
her book For Your Own Good which is a must read for anyone who wants to understand how parenting impacts us as adults. According to Miller, parents often extol their children to behave or think in some prescribed manner; for example, what to wear to school. When the child resists the parent proclaims it’s for the child’s own good they dress in the required manner. However, according to Dr. Miller the child perceives it’s for their parents own good but in order to gain love and approval they obey or conform. The effect of these repeated interactions are the child loses their sense of self or identity. This comes to a head when as adults we have what Miller calls a “narcissistic disturbance”, the realization that the person we see in the mirror is not the person we really are. One of the ironies of Miller’s theory is that we often repeat the sins of our parents with our own children by urging them to conform to our needs and expectations for their own good. I have to constantly be on guard to avoid this.
If the false self is created out of an understandable but misguided need to win the approval of others, how can we put a stake through its heart and find our true or authentic self? Before answering the question, have you had a narcissistic disturbance? Have you felt at three o’clock in the morning in the dark night of the soul that you are not the person you want to be? If the answer is “yes” you have taken a giant step toward becoming the real or authentic you. One of the defenses we create to avoid pain and suffering is denial. It is only through our willingness to suffer and confront the ugly truth about ourselves that we can find happiness and contentment. I had such an experience over a dozen years ago when I realized that the way I dressed, the way I spoke, the things I said were all part of an elaborate conspiracy to impress and win the approval of others. That realization caused me to breakdown in tears as I began the process of discovering and then accepting the real me. The first thing I did was come to grips with the fact I was not perfect and that God loved me anyway. It’s called unconditional love and is the complete opposite of the parental love described by Alice Miller. It logically follows that if God created us in his image we are perfect in his sight and therefore called to love ourselves as his creation. Remember, the Golden Rule tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. This means loving ourselves in a healthy not a narcissistic way.
As a result of my own narcissistic disturbance, I no longer need to search for love in all the wrong places by trying to win the approval of others and being hurt, moody and angry when my narcissistic needs are not met. Sure, I still have my ups and down with occasional visits to my dark side but they are fewer and fewer and when they do take place I have someone to turn to. As I say to my children, God gave us knees for a purpose.
Alice Miller the eminent psychiatrist chronicles this phenomenon in
her book For Your Own Good which is a must read for anyone who wants to understand how parenting impacts us as adults. According to Miller, parents often extol their children to behave or think in some prescribed manner; for example, what to wear to school. When the child resists the parent proclaims it’s for the child’s own good they dress in the required manner. However, according to Dr. Miller the child perceives it’s for their parents own good but in order to gain love and approval they obey or conform. The effect of these repeated interactions are the child loses their sense of self or identity. This comes to a head when as adults we have what Miller calls a “narcissistic disturbance”, the realization that the person we see in the mirror is not the person we really are. One of the ironies of Miller’s theory is that we often repeat the sins of our parents with our own children by urging them to conform to our needs and expectations for their own good. I have to constantly be on guard to avoid this.
If the false self is created out of an understandable but misguided need to win the approval of others, how can we put a stake through its heart and find our true or authentic self? Before answering the question, have you had a narcissistic disturbance? Have you felt at three o’clock in the morning in the dark night of the soul that you are not the person you want to be? If the answer is “yes” you have taken a giant step toward becoming the real or authentic you. One of the defenses we create to avoid pain and suffering is denial. It is only through our willingness to suffer and confront the ugly truth about ourselves that we can find happiness and contentment. I had such an experience over a dozen years ago when I realized that the way I dressed, the way I spoke, the things I said were all part of an elaborate conspiracy to impress and win the approval of others. That realization caused me to breakdown in tears as I began the process of discovering and then accepting the real me. The first thing I did was come to grips with the fact I was not perfect and that God loved me anyway. It’s called unconditional love and is the complete opposite of the parental love described by Alice Miller. It logically follows that if God created us in his image we are perfect in his sight and therefore called to love ourselves as his creation. Remember, the Golden Rule tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. This means loving ourselves in a healthy not a narcissistic way.
As a result of my own narcissistic disturbance, I no longer need to search for love in all the wrong places by trying to win the approval of others and being hurt, moody and angry when my narcissistic needs are not met. Sure, I still have my ups and down with occasional visits to my dark side but they are fewer and fewer and when they do take place I have someone to turn to. As I say to my children, God gave us knees for a purpose.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT MARRIAGE IN THE SECOND HALF
Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities begins, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Although he was referring to France during the Revolution, he could’ve been referring to our marriages especially as we enter the Second Half. At first it is the worst of times as both spouses find their lives disrupted since one of them is now in the house, not in the office or some other workplace. This places stress on the relationship as both parties seek to adjust to a range of issues including where they will live, how much they can spend, and who will pay the bills. However, the evidence suggests that if couples can successfully work through the many issues associated with retirement, the odds are that it can be the best of times for their marriage. In fact, many couples claim they are happier and more fulfilled in the Second Half than at any other time during their marriage. One of the reasons is that with children out of the nest couples have more time to focus on each other’s needs.
According to Wendy Scarf in her book September Song, there may be another reason, time. Here’s what she discovered after interviewing a number of divorced and still married couples. Scarf says most marriages resemble U-shaped curves. They begin on a high note with the honeymoon then inevitably the couple becomes more familiar with and more critical of each other. They often struggle with financial and family issues; they become less satisfied; and some begin to stray. Eventually, they reach the bottom part of the U curve and for an extended period of time are dissatisfied with the marriage. During this period, divorce becomes an option. However, those who avoided divorce and stayed together through difficult times reported they were happier and more fulfilled in their marriages in the Second Half than at any other time. Ironically, Scarf found that after five years, the individuals who were unhappily married and divorced reported they were unhappier than their counterparts who also were unhappily married but remained with their spouses. Scarf’s conclusion: one of the benefits of increased life expectancy over the last thirty years is that if we remain in our marriages long enough there is a good chance we will outlast the bad times. Admittedly, it takes a lot of effort to build or strengthen a relationship. But the rewards are worth it, because as the research shows, having a happy marriage can ease one of life’s difficult transitions.
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Which begs the question, why do people who are unhappily married persevere in their marriage? According to Scarf, some individuals believe divorce is immoral. Others remain out of loyalty—e.g., their spouses helped them while they were in school or their spouse supported them emotionally during a crisis. Still others remain in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage because the financial cost of divorce is too great; they choose money over happiness. In some cases, couples who chose to remain in unhappy marriages live parallel lives and might as well be divorced. Regardless of the reason couples stay together, the implications of Scarf’s research is clear: if your marriage is experiencing turmoil and conflict as you enter the Second Half, ride it out rather than get a divorce. Odds are you’ll be a lot happier if you do.
According to Wendy Scarf in her book September Song, there may be another reason, time. Here’s what she discovered after interviewing a number of divorced and still married couples. Scarf says most marriages resemble U-shaped curves. They begin on a high note with the honeymoon then inevitably the couple becomes more familiar with and more critical of each other. They often struggle with financial and family issues; they become less satisfied; and some begin to stray. Eventually, they reach the bottom part of the U curve and for an extended period of time are dissatisfied with the marriage. During this period, divorce becomes an option. However, those who avoided divorce and stayed together through difficult times reported they were happier and more fulfilled in their marriages in the Second Half than at any other time. Ironically, Scarf found that after five years, the individuals who were unhappily married and divorced reported they were unhappier than their counterparts who also were unhappily married but remained with their spouses. Scarf’s conclusion: one of the benefits of increased life expectancy over the last thirty years is that if we remain in our marriages long enough there is a good chance we will outlast the bad times. Admittedly, it takes a lot of effort to build or strengthen a relationship. But the rewards are worth it, because as the research shows, having a happy marriage can ease one of life’s difficult transitions.
.
Which begs the question, why do people who are unhappily married persevere in their marriage? According to Scarf, some individuals believe divorce is immoral. Others remain out of loyalty—e.g., their spouses helped them while they were in school or their spouse supported them emotionally during a crisis. Still others remain in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage because the financial cost of divorce is too great; they choose money over happiness. In some cases, couples who chose to remain in unhappy marriages live parallel lives and might as well be divorced. Regardless of the reason couples stay together, the implications of Scarf’s research is clear: if your marriage is experiencing turmoil and conflict as you enter the Second Half, ride it out rather than get a divorce. Odds are you’ll be a lot happier if you do.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
IF MONEY DOESN'T BUY HAPPINESS, WHAT DOES?
In an earlier post I suggested that money doesn't buy happiness. I know this is hard to beleive especially when we have less of it than we did a year ago. But I am sticking to my guns.
So,what does buy happiness? You'll be happy to know there is remarkable consensus among psychologist about the subject. Most beleive our ability to achieve happiness results from several factors including, having a set of core values and beliefs, maintaining a loving, stable marriage, developing meaningful relationships, engaging in altruistic behavior, making a commitment to learning and growing, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
Possessing Core Values and Beliefs
Why am I here? What’s important in my life? How should I behave? Are three of the most significant questions we wrestle with throughout our lives. Many people in contemporary American culture find the answers to these questions by observing other people rather than from independent theological or philosophical inquiry and personal reflection. As result, our beliefs are often ephemeral changing with the times and situations in which we finds themselves. For starters we all need a reason to get up in the morning especially during our Second Half when we no longer go to work. Stephen Covey says we need to find our True North. Without it one is likely to wander aimlessly through the Second Half making trivial things important often turning to alcohol and other vices to escape the inevitable boredom and pain. Not surprisingly, people who lack purpose are more likely to suffer from depression, have a higher incidence of illness and have lower life expectancy than people who have a sense of purpose. If you believe happiness research on as we mature and enter the Second Half if we need to find our purpose, decide what is important in our lives and develop a set of values address to guide our behavior.
Maintaining a Loving, Stable Marriage
Another important ingredient for achieving happiness and well being in the Second Half is having a loving and supportive spouse, or significant other. Sustaining a healthy marriage takes a great deal of effort on the part of both parties. There must be mutual support, respect, understanding and no small measure of forgiveness. Sadly, most studies reveal that marriages are often fraught with conflict and disagreements over children, in-laws, money and sex. The ones that last do so because both parties reach a point where they acknowledge that being together is preferable to being alone and are able to accept each other’s imperfections. Once this level of understanding is attained the focus becomes less upon what one’s partner is doing, or not doing, and more on how both parties can communicate better and become more focused on each other’s needs.
Developing Meaningful Relationships
One of the things we lose when we leave work and enter the Second Half are relationships with other people. Some of us are exceptionally good at net working and make it a point to stay in touch with close friends as well as being very adept at making new friends. This is important to our happiness and well-being for a number of reasons. Friends help us see the world differently, they help us from becoming isolated and lonely, and they are a source of solace and comfort during hard times. Friends keep us honest and accountable by telling us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear. Good friends cushion us against the vagaries of life and the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. When we have friends we are less self- absorbed with our focus directed toward their needs. This is the reason friends are a source of happiness and well being in the Second Half
Engaging in Altruistic Behavior
The evidence strongly suggest that becoming involved in altruistic activity is a key factor in achieving happiness and well being in the Second Half. This includes performing volunteer work, or finding a second career in a community service role or healthcare business, or even becoming a social entrepreneur. We are built to serve. It is an integral part of our humanity. It is very easy in as we enter the Second Half to become obsessed with our own needs. When we do it can lead to social isolation, cynicism and negativity, ingredients that can lead to a host of mental and physical breakdowns as we become older.
Making a Commitment to Learning and Growing
“Tis a healthy mind that makes the body.” rich said Shakespeare.
Some years ago a fund raising advertisement reminded us that a mind is a terrible thing to waste. How true especially in our Second Half if we want to be happy and fulfilled. This is one of the reasons colleges and universities are offering a hundreds of courses and programs to retired Boomers. Classes range from how to poach salmon to understanding the Laffer curve to why the English lost the American Revolution. I know one person who attended law school and earned his degree at age 70. Without making a commitment to learning and growing during the Second Half we become cynical and stale retreating into old ways of thinking and doing that prevent us from enjoying life.
Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle
Avoiding a sedentary life style and being physically active has a host of benefits especially in the Second Half. One doesn’t have to join a health club or gym despite the fact many are offering programs for older citizens. There are numerous opportunities for exercise in the normal course of one’s day including cutting the lawn, working around the house, walking in the neighborhood or local mall. Among many benefits, exercise slows down the aging processes, reduces stress, boosts the immune system, improves mental acuity and improves sleep. Most of all, a healthy regimen of exercise coupled with a healthy diet helps keep our weight down which in and of itself is a key factor in life expectancy.
Dr. George Vaillant who led the remarkable Harvard Study on Aging noted with a great deal of optimism that all the factors that lead to successful aging are controllable. As a result, there is every reason to believe with some effort and the appropriate behavioral change model each of us can find the happiness and well-being we deserve in the Second Half.
So,what does buy happiness? You'll be happy to know there is remarkable consensus among psychologist about the subject. Most beleive our ability to achieve happiness results from several factors including, having a set of core values and beliefs, maintaining a loving, stable marriage, developing meaningful relationships, engaging in altruistic behavior, making a commitment to learning and growing, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
Possessing Core Values and Beliefs
Why am I here? What’s important in my life? How should I behave? Are three of the most significant questions we wrestle with throughout our lives. Many people in contemporary American culture find the answers to these questions by observing other people rather than from independent theological or philosophical inquiry and personal reflection. As result, our beliefs are often ephemeral changing with the times and situations in which we finds themselves. For starters we all need a reason to get up in the morning especially during our Second Half when we no longer go to work. Stephen Covey says we need to find our True North. Without it one is likely to wander aimlessly through the Second Half making trivial things important often turning to alcohol and other vices to escape the inevitable boredom and pain. Not surprisingly, people who lack purpose are more likely to suffer from depression, have a higher incidence of illness and have lower life expectancy than people who have a sense of purpose. If you believe happiness research on as we mature and enter the Second Half if we need to find our purpose, decide what is important in our lives and develop a set of values address to guide our behavior.
Maintaining a Loving, Stable Marriage
Another important ingredient for achieving happiness and well being in the Second Half is having a loving and supportive spouse, or significant other. Sustaining a healthy marriage takes a great deal of effort on the part of both parties. There must be mutual support, respect, understanding and no small measure of forgiveness. Sadly, most studies reveal that marriages are often fraught with conflict and disagreements over children, in-laws, money and sex. The ones that last do so because both parties reach a point where they acknowledge that being together is preferable to being alone and are able to accept each other’s imperfections. Once this level of understanding is attained the focus becomes less upon what one’s partner is doing, or not doing, and more on how both parties can communicate better and become more focused on each other’s needs.
Developing Meaningful Relationships
One of the things we lose when we leave work and enter the Second Half are relationships with other people. Some of us are exceptionally good at net working and make it a point to stay in touch with close friends as well as being very adept at making new friends. This is important to our happiness and well-being for a number of reasons. Friends help us see the world differently, they help us from becoming isolated and lonely, and they are a source of solace and comfort during hard times. Friends keep us honest and accountable by telling us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear. Good friends cushion us against the vagaries of life and the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. When we have friends we are less self- absorbed with our focus directed toward their needs. This is the reason friends are a source of happiness and well being in the Second Half
Engaging in Altruistic Behavior
The evidence strongly suggest that becoming involved in altruistic activity is a key factor in achieving happiness and well being in the Second Half. This includes performing volunteer work, or finding a second career in a community service role or healthcare business, or even becoming a social entrepreneur. We are built to serve. It is an integral part of our humanity. It is very easy in as we enter the Second Half to become obsessed with our own needs. When we do it can lead to social isolation, cynicism and negativity, ingredients that can lead to a host of mental and physical breakdowns as we become older.
Making a Commitment to Learning and Growing
“Tis a healthy mind that makes the body.” rich said Shakespeare.
Some years ago a fund raising advertisement reminded us that a mind is a terrible thing to waste. How true especially in our Second Half if we want to be happy and fulfilled. This is one of the reasons colleges and universities are offering a hundreds of courses and programs to retired Boomers. Classes range from how to poach salmon to understanding the Laffer curve to why the English lost the American Revolution. I know one person who attended law school and earned his degree at age 70. Without making a commitment to learning and growing during the Second Half we become cynical and stale retreating into old ways of thinking and doing that prevent us from enjoying life.
Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle
Avoiding a sedentary life style and being physically active has a host of benefits especially in the Second Half. One doesn’t have to join a health club or gym despite the fact many are offering programs for older citizens. There are numerous opportunities for exercise in the normal course of one’s day including cutting the lawn, working around the house, walking in the neighborhood or local mall. Among many benefits, exercise slows down the aging processes, reduces stress, boosts the immune system, improves mental acuity and improves sleep. Most of all, a healthy regimen of exercise coupled with a healthy diet helps keep our weight down which in and of itself is a key factor in life expectancy.
Dr. George Vaillant who led the remarkable Harvard Study on Aging noted with a great deal of optimism that all the factors that lead to successful aging are controllable. As a result, there is every reason to believe with some effort and the appropriate behavioral change model each of us can find the happiness and well-being we deserve in the Second Half.
Monday, March 23, 2009
A MEANINGFUL RESPITE
I just returned from vacationing in Florida with my wife. No children. One was in school in Philadelphia. The other was in lacrosse camp also in Florida. Before leaving I decided not to bring my laptop as a way of breaking my addiction to the internet. The downside for me at least, I was unable to blog. Perhaps as a consequence I had an opportunity to reflect on my good fortune amidst the rubble left by Wall Street and a negligent body politic and the serious damage they both did to our retirement portfolio and my self confidence.
The first thing I realized the minute I arrived in Florida was that I have a wonderful wife. I discovered that the things which attracted me to her when we first met at a faculty party in Chapel Hill over thirty years ago were still there. She was fun, she was caring, she was loving and she was easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, with the hurly burly of career, home, kids, bill paying, social obligations and the like I became inured to her qualities and all to often focused on the negative aspects of our relationship. I now realize more than ever, as I mentioned in a previous blog, relationships don’t fail because two people fall out of love, they fail because of neglect. This is the reason we all need schedule time alone with our spouses whether it be to travel, have dinner, go for a long walk or have a glass of wine by the fire. In a sense when we retire and enter the Second Half we must reintroduce ourselves to our spouses and awaken or rekindle what was lost due to the fact we often placed greater emphasis on our careers and what it gave us and less emphasis on our relationships with our spouses.
I also found out that less really can be more. We secured an amazing internet rate of $127 for a room in a hotel on the beach outside of Miami Beach. It was modest in every respect. The rooms were circa 1960’s kitschy with garish bedspreads and wall hangings. The bathroom was the size of a hall closet. The room TV had no more than twelve channels and the reception was grainy with a double image to boot. Breakfast was served on Styrofoam plates and plastic forks. But, the place was spotless, the staff polite and attentive and most important the sun and the sand were exactly the same as the Ritz Carlton up the street which was four or five times more expensive. We had a great time and can’t wait to book a room next year no matter what happens on Wall Street.
While in Florida we had an opportunity to renew acquaintances with old friends who had moved from the New York metropolitan area where we live. We were struck by how quickly relationships pick right up even though months and even years go by. I realized that the ties that bind are truly hard to break and that in itself is good news. Because, the evidence is overwhelming that having a network of friends is a critical factor in promoting happiness and well-being as we get older. As a result it is important that we go the extra mile to stay in touch with friends who have moved away. Like our marriages, relationships die from neglect. In order to avoid this there is something called the Rule of Seven which states that in order to maintain relationships we should try to make contact seven times a year through emails, phone calls, mailing news clippings, sending candy grams, etc. It takes effort but we’ve committed to giving it a try.
Finally and perhaps best of all, I realized that all my worrying and concerns were a waste of time because whether my mental image of the future was positive and optimistic or negative and pessimistic I am really lousy and making predictions. This hit home as I was laying in the sun and day dreaming about what was and what might be and I concluded that the personal events in my life that had the greatest impact both negative and positive, for example, the career I chose, the person I married, the place where I lived as well as larger socio-economic, political events such as 9/11 and the current economic crisis all occurred seemingly out of left field. It struck me that my entire educational background was predicated on the idea that the more we know the better we are at predicting the future. When in reality, what we don’t know is far more important. For example, we didn’t know about credit default swaps or that Mohammed Atta was learning to fly but not land a jumbo jet. Had the collective “we” known about them,the future would have been quite different. If you doubt the veracity of what I am saying that’s ok but for the heck of it, list the events in your life that had the greatest impact and see if you predicted them.
Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled wrote a wonderful chapter on “Grace” which he defined as God’s unmerited favor. Getting away for a week helped me realize that my relationship with my wife, our ability to enjoy a more simple vacation, the renewing of old friendships and the realization that trying to predict the future is foolish are in the final analysis are examples of grace and worthy of thanks and praise. I hope you will reflect on your good fortune in these tough times and find that there is much to be thankful for as well.
The first thing I realized the minute I arrived in Florida was that I have a wonderful wife. I discovered that the things which attracted me to her when we first met at a faculty party in Chapel Hill over thirty years ago were still there. She was fun, she was caring, she was loving and she was easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, with the hurly burly of career, home, kids, bill paying, social obligations and the like I became inured to her qualities and all to often focused on the negative aspects of our relationship. I now realize more than ever, as I mentioned in a previous blog, relationships don’t fail because two people fall out of love, they fail because of neglect. This is the reason we all need schedule time alone with our spouses whether it be to travel, have dinner, go for a long walk or have a glass of wine by the fire. In a sense when we retire and enter the Second Half we must reintroduce ourselves to our spouses and awaken or rekindle what was lost due to the fact we often placed greater emphasis on our careers and what it gave us and less emphasis on our relationships with our spouses.
I also found out that less really can be more. We secured an amazing internet rate of $127 for a room in a hotel on the beach outside of Miami Beach. It was modest in every respect. The rooms were circa 1960’s kitschy with garish bedspreads and wall hangings. The bathroom was the size of a hall closet. The room TV had no more than twelve channels and the reception was grainy with a double image to boot. Breakfast was served on Styrofoam plates and plastic forks. But, the place was spotless, the staff polite and attentive and most important the sun and the sand were exactly the same as the Ritz Carlton up the street which was four or five times more expensive. We had a great time and can’t wait to book a room next year no matter what happens on Wall Street.
While in Florida we had an opportunity to renew acquaintances with old friends who had moved from the New York metropolitan area where we live. We were struck by how quickly relationships pick right up even though months and even years go by. I realized that the ties that bind are truly hard to break and that in itself is good news. Because, the evidence is overwhelming that having a network of friends is a critical factor in promoting happiness and well-being as we get older. As a result it is important that we go the extra mile to stay in touch with friends who have moved away. Like our marriages, relationships die from neglect. In order to avoid this there is something called the Rule of Seven which states that in order to maintain relationships we should try to make contact seven times a year through emails, phone calls, mailing news clippings, sending candy grams, etc. It takes effort but we’ve committed to giving it a try.
Finally and perhaps best of all, I realized that all my worrying and concerns were a waste of time because whether my mental image of the future was positive and optimistic or negative and pessimistic I am really lousy and making predictions. This hit home as I was laying in the sun and day dreaming about what was and what might be and I concluded that the personal events in my life that had the greatest impact both negative and positive, for example, the career I chose, the person I married, the place where I lived as well as larger socio-economic, political events such as 9/11 and the current economic crisis all occurred seemingly out of left field. It struck me that my entire educational background was predicated on the idea that the more we know the better we are at predicting the future. When in reality, what we don’t know is far more important. For example, we didn’t know about credit default swaps or that Mohammed Atta was learning to fly but not land a jumbo jet. Had the collective “we” known about them,the future would have been quite different. If you doubt the veracity of what I am saying that’s ok but for the heck of it, list the events in your life that had the greatest impact and see if you predicted them.
Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled wrote a wonderful chapter on “Grace” which he defined as God’s unmerited favor. Getting away for a week helped me realize that my relationship with my wife, our ability to enjoy a more simple vacation, the renewing of old friendships and the realization that trying to predict the future is foolish are in the final analysis are examples of grace and worthy of thanks and praise. I hope you will reflect on your good fortune in these tough times and find that there is much to be thankful for as well.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
LOWER YOUR STRESS, COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SPOUSE
When couples enter the Second Half they have many pressing issues to deal with including, the aging process, finances, medical problems, where to live, relationships with children and other family members, making legal decisions and other issues that can strain even the best of marriages. The key to dealing with these issues is communications. Here are some ideas about how to communicate more effectively with our spouse:
-Figure out what you want to say. Before you talk with your spouse about something, make sure you know what you want to tell him or her to minimize possible misunderstandings.
-Decide what you need from your spouse. You are more likely to get your needs met, whether it be a hug or an answer to a question, if you know what you want.
-Use good judgment in timing. Is your spouse sick or preparing for a big meeting at work? Consider your partner’s state of mind when choosing a time to talk.
-Make eye contact. Your spouse will be more likely to listen and hear you if you are looking right at each other.
-Get your spouse’s undivided attention. You will not be heard if your spouse is thinking about something else when you are trying to talk with him or her.
-Be a good listener. By being attentive to your spouse, you will have a more productive discussion.
-Don’t get into heated arguments with your spouse when you are talking on the telephone. Conflicts are much better resolved in person.
-Confirm that you were heard. Ask your spouse if he or she fully understands what you just said. Then, and only then, will your spouse be able to respond properly.
-After your spouse has told you something, rephrase what he or she has said. This will let your spouse know for sure that you’ve heard what he or she is saying.
-Schedule a better discussion time if necessary. Sometimes it’s just not possible to get your spouse’s attention at the exact moment that you want it.
Remember that communication is a two-way street. If both of you follow these steps you will strengthen your relationship with your spouse. As I mentioned earlier, poor communications lies at the heart of most of the conflict and stress couples have as they enter the Second Half. It results in increasing doubt and uncertainty about the future. This, in turn, increases the level of stress. The best approach for dealing with stress is to focus on building mutual trust and empathy by becoming a better listener. So, when you are having a discussion with your spouse be present. Give them your full attention. Make eye contact. Don’t let your eye or your attention wander. This is an essential part of effective communications and bears repeating.
In addition to being a better communicator there are other things you can do to build your relationship with your spouse. One of the things men feel when they retire is a lack of respect from their spouse. This is often results in the husband becoming disengaged or angry. If you feel disrespected tell your spouse then forgive them and move on. Keep in mind, you have little power to change your partner but great power to change yourself. Determine what you can do to be a better spouse then spend time and energy moving toward that goal. Take responsibility for creating a good marriage with the full knowledge of the difficulties involved. A good practice is to schedule one hour a day for time together to communicate mutual needs and wants, to affirm and validate each other, to be each others best critic and, most important to take the opportunity to be romantic and loving towards each other. Remember, marriages fail from neglect not from one or the other partners falling out of love.
-Figure out what you want to say. Before you talk with your spouse about something, make sure you know what you want to tell him or her to minimize possible misunderstandings.
-Decide what you need from your spouse. You are more likely to get your needs met, whether it be a hug or an answer to a question, if you know what you want.
-Use good judgment in timing. Is your spouse sick or preparing for a big meeting at work? Consider your partner’s state of mind when choosing a time to talk.
-Make eye contact. Your spouse will be more likely to listen and hear you if you are looking right at each other.
-Get your spouse’s undivided attention. You will not be heard if your spouse is thinking about something else when you are trying to talk with him or her.
-Be a good listener. By being attentive to your spouse, you will have a more productive discussion.
-Don’t get into heated arguments with your spouse when you are talking on the telephone. Conflicts are much better resolved in person.
-Confirm that you were heard. Ask your spouse if he or she fully understands what you just said. Then, and only then, will your spouse be able to respond properly.
-After your spouse has told you something, rephrase what he or she has said. This will let your spouse know for sure that you’ve heard what he or she is saying.
-Schedule a better discussion time if necessary. Sometimes it’s just not possible to get your spouse’s attention at the exact moment that you want it.
Remember that communication is a two-way street. If both of you follow these steps you will strengthen your relationship with your spouse. As I mentioned earlier, poor communications lies at the heart of most of the conflict and stress couples have as they enter the Second Half. It results in increasing doubt and uncertainty about the future. This, in turn, increases the level of stress. The best approach for dealing with stress is to focus on building mutual trust and empathy by becoming a better listener. So, when you are having a discussion with your spouse be present. Give them your full attention. Make eye contact. Don’t let your eye or your attention wander. This is an essential part of effective communications and bears repeating.
In addition to being a better communicator there are other things you can do to build your relationship with your spouse. One of the things men feel when they retire is a lack of respect from their spouse. This is often results in the husband becoming disengaged or angry. If you feel disrespected tell your spouse then forgive them and move on. Keep in mind, you have little power to change your partner but great power to change yourself. Determine what you can do to be a better spouse then spend time and energy moving toward that goal. Take responsibility for creating a good marriage with the full knowledge of the difficulties involved. A good practice is to schedule one hour a day for time together to communicate mutual needs and wants, to affirm and validate each other, to be each others best critic and, most important to take the opportunity to be romantic and loving towards each other. Remember, marriages fail from neglect not from one or the other partners falling out of love.
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