HOW TO PUT A STAKE THROUGH YOUR FALSE SELF

I initially became a social scientist because I wanted to understand myself. Why was I insecure? Why did I need the approval of other people? Why did I have dark moods? Why was I angry? These were the kinds of questions about myself that fueled a lifetime interest in human behavior. Have I found the answers? To some extent. One of the breakthroughs for me was the realization that I created a false self to earn the approval and esteem of others, especially my parents, teachers and other authority figures. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, this caused me to act out in negative, self-destructive ways.

Alice Miller the eminent psychiatrist chronicles this phenomenon in
her book For Your Own Good which is a must read for anyone who wants to understand how parenting impacts us as adults. According to Miller, parents often extol their children to behave or think in some prescribed manner; for example, what to wear to school. When the child resists the parent proclaims it’s for the child’s own good they dress in the required manner. However, according to Dr. Miller the child perceives it’s for their parents own good but in order to gain love and approval they obey or conform. The effect of these repeated interactions are the child loses their sense of self or identity. This comes to a head when as adults we have what Miller calls a “narcissistic disturbance”, the realization that the person we see in the mirror is not the person we really are. One of the ironies of Miller’s theory is that we often repeat the sins of our parents with our own children by urging them to conform to our needs and expectations for their own good. I have to constantly be on guard to avoid this.

If the false self is created out of an understandable but misguided need to win the approval of others, how can we put a stake through its heart and find our true or authentic self? Before answering the question, have you had a narcissistic disturbance? Have you felt at three o’clock in the morning in the dark night of the soul that you are not the person you want to be? If the answer is “yes” you have taken a giant step toward becoming the real or authentic you. One of the defenses we create to avoid pain and suffering is denial. It is only through our willingness to suffer and confront the ugly truth about ourselves that we can find happiness and contentment. I had such an experience over a dozen years ago when I realized that the way I dressed, the way I spoke, the things I said were all part of an elaborate conspiracy to impress and win the approval of others. That realization caused me to breakdown in tears as I began the process of discovering and then accepting the real me. The first thing I did was come to grips with the fact I was not perfect and that God loved me anyway. It’s called unconditional love and is the complete opposite of the parental love described by Alice Miller. It logically follows that if God created us in his image we are perfect in his sight and therefore called to love ourselves as his creation. Remember, the Golden Rule tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. This means loving ourselves in a healthy not a narcissistic way.

As a result of my own narcissistic disturbance, I no longer need to search for love in all the wrong places by trying to win the approval of others and being hurt, moody and angry when my narcissistic needs are not met. Sure, I still have my ups and down with occasional visits to my dark side but they are fewer and fewer and when they do take place I have someone to turn to. As I say to my children, God gave us knees for a purpose.