One of the ways we sabotage our happiness is by listening to what is often called our “inner critic" or the “cop inside our head.” He reminds me of the midget in the Mel Gibson film, Thunderdome, perched on our shoulder whispering in our ear warning us about dangerous pitfalls that lay ahead or telling us we shouldn’t do something or worst yet, telling us we can’t do something. My inner critic didn’t want me to enjoy my Second Half. He didn’t want me to achieve my goals. He didn’t want me to be happy. My inner critic wanted me to suffer. Do you have an inner critic that discourages you and sabotages your happiness? You are not alone!
We all have an inner critic, a voice inside our head that engages us in secret conversation. I first became aware of his power reading The Inner Game of Golf by Tim Gallwey. According to Gallwey one of the reasons golfers often struggle with the game is their inner critic, he calls it the Self 1, bombards them with do’s and don’ts constantly warning them about bunkers, water hazards and out of bounds stakes. This prevents their natural, creative, spontaneous nature, the Self 2, from taking over. Our Self 1 sabotages our enjoyment of the game as well as our ability to play it at a higher level. However, if we can silence its voice and let the Self 2 take over Gallwey found that the average golfer is able to hit the golf ball with power, consistency and accuracy beyond anything they had previously achieved and were less frustrated and enjoyed the game a great deal more.
If Self 1 doesn’t want us to succeed at golf, his equivalent, our inner critic, doesn’t want us to succeed in life! He is the sower of self-doubt telling us we are not smart enough or deserving enough or good enough to be happy and fulfilled. Our inner critic gets in touch with us through negative self talk. Did you know that most of us have 40,000 to 60,000 conversations with ourselves each day. Some of the conversations are innocuous. “I have to pick up the laundry”. “Let’s go out for dinner tonight.” A lot of it is negative, “I won’t be able to write my resume” or "I will never be happy”, etc. The most effective way to silence our inner critic is to replace his negative self talk with positive self talk. For example, if your inner critic is telling you you won’t succeed in launching a second career in the Second Half replace that thought with one that says “Yes I can!” Or if your inner critic discourages you from mending a relationship with an old friend replace the thought with a positive one that says ”My friend needs me.” If this sounds simplistic consider the following. Once a thought is planted in your head it exists, it is real and it takes on a life of its own because our emotions and feelings are unable to distinguish a true thought from a false one. A good example is Mary Kay who overcame a host of personal crisis to create a global cosmetics company and said, “If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t you are right.” She refused to listen to her inner critic. So can you.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
I AM ANGRY AT ANGER!
The other day I listened to a reporter on CNBC, Rick Santelli rant about the injustice of Obama’s mortgage rescue plan. It wasn’t what he said that bothered me, although I disagree with him. It was the way he said it. He was filled with anger. Unfortunately, the airwaves, especially cable channel is filled with angry people and angry commentary. I don’t care if it’s a news program, a sports channel or a cooking show, we are bombarded with angry people shouting out their opinions and views. I don’t remember Walter Cronkite, Jim McKay or Julia Child behaving with such a lack of decorum. They didn’t yell. They never seemed angry. They spoke to us.
I subsequently realized that ranting media personalities are not behaving any differently than most of us. Unfortunately, angry debate has become part of our culture. I was recently engaged in discussion about the merits of President Obama’s rescue plan and his political philosophy. Most of the men had very strong views about both and as the discussion went on the greater the sense of anger I felt from within the group. It was so palpable I eventually asked members of the group why they were so angry. They looked at me as if to say, “What are you talking about?” Then the other night I had a discussion with a friend about religion and I became angry for crying out loud. On the way home I asked myself why I became angry. I concluded it was the result of my inability to articulate a well crafted argument for my faith. My anger was misdirected or as a psychologist would say my anger was projected on to another person. Because I was angry at my anger I decided to become a better defender of my faith as well as other opinions, views and insight I hold dear. You see, I believe anger and shouting have replaced logic as a means of influencing others to our way of thinking. We have become experts at angrily shouting out little sound bites mirroring the antics of the cable TV personalities we watch rather than patiently and rationally explaining our point of view. Though, we may have to wait for the noise from others to die down first.
How about you? Do you find yourself losing it when you are not heard or not understood? If so, consider a crafting a more thoughtful discourse. And when someone is ranting and raving pat them on the head and ask them why they are angry. I takes the steam out of them and makes it more likely your point of view will be heard, Now, if only I could make the airwaves two way and deal with some of the more obnoxious cable personalities! Just a thought.
I subsequently realized that ranting media personalities are not behaving any differently than most of us. Unfortunately, angry debate has become part of our culture. I was recently engaged in discussion about the merits of President Obama’s rescue plan and his political philosophy. Most of the men had very strong views about both and as the discussion went on the greater the sense of anger I felt from within the group. It was so palpable I eventually asked members of the group why they were so angry. They looked at me as if to say, “What are you talking about?” Then the other night I had a discussion with a friend about religion and I became angry for crying out loud. On the way home I asked myself why I became angry. I concluded it was the result of my inability to articulate a well crafted argument for my faith. My anger was misdirected or as a psychologist would say my anger was projected on to another person. Because I was angry at my anger I decided to become a better defender of my faith as well as other opinions, views and insight I hold dear. You see, I believe anger and shouting have replaced logic as a means of influencing others to our way of thinking. We have become experts at angrily shouting out little sound bites mirroring the antics of the cable TV personalities we watch rather than patiently and rationally explaining our point of view. Though, we may have to wait for the noise from others to die down first.
How about you? Do you find yourself losing it when you are not heard or not understood? If so, consider a crafting a more thoughtful discourse. And when someone is ranting and raving pat them on the head and ask them why they are angry. I takes the steam out of them and makes it more likely your point of view will be heard, Now, if only I could make the airwaves two way and deal with some of the more obnoxious cable personalities! Just a thought.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
ANGER AND SELF SABOTAGE
I mentioned in an earlier post that making the transition into the Second Half can be difficult. One of the main reasons is our tendency to engage in self defeating behavior that robs us of the happiness and well being we deserve. One of the primary forms of self sabotage is chronic anger.
This hit home several years ago when my teenage son asked me why I was angry all the time. After yelling at him “What do you mean?” thereby proving his point, I asked him what percentage of the time was I angry. He said seventy five percent. I was ashamed of myself, but proud of my son for speaking the truth. I knew I was kind of cranky and grumpy. But, I rationalized it as hormonal. There is something called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) which suggests it may be. I assume there is some sort of injection we can take to cure it! Regardless of whether my anger was hormonal or not, my son saw that underneath the bitching, complaining, lack of patience and general irritation was an angry old man. And, it was robbing me of my happiness and well being as well as hurting my relationship with the people I loved. A real double whammy!
There are of course degrees of anger. There is crankiness and mild irritation and there is rage than can cause blood pressure to rise and other health related consequences. Daniel Goleman, in Emotional Intelligence, refers to this type of anger as an “emotional high jacking.” If you are suffering from this kind of rage you may benefit from anger management counseling. However, if your anger is milder, you are cranky or grumpy, there are things you can do to be less irritable and cranky.
The first step to overcoming anger is identifying its source. Some anger results from feeling we are not in control. For example, I often nag my wife about doing things that really don’t matter. For example, buying fish for dinner, or walking the dogs more often, or paying the bills on time. I can say with out any malice that she rarely listens to me. When I get angry with her it’s not over fish, or dogs or paying bills it’s because I can't control her behavior. Good for her!
Another source of anger results from feeling a lack of respect. For example, I was waiting in line at an airline check in counter and observed someone traveling first class ranting at a counter clerk for keeping them waiting while waiting on another passenger who was flying coach. The first class passenger was reacting to what they perceived was a lack of respect for their superior status.
A third source of anger results from projecting anger directed at ourselves on to another person. I concluded that my chronic anger, some of it directed at my son, resulted from a deep sense of frustration I felt for not using my skills and talents to do something worthwhile for other people. I was taking out my anger on members of my family rather than on myself. By the way, my son tells me I am doing a lot better!
The first step for reducing anger is to own your behavior and take responsibility for it. If you are not sure anger is a problem, ask the people around you. Then do a little soul searching and see if you can identify the source of your anger. It’s probably one of three underlying causes I mentioned earlier-- not feeling in control, feeling a lack of respect, projecting your anger on to others. It requires brutal honesty on your part but well worth it. A helpful hint is, keep an “anger” diary. Whenever you get angry or irritable write down the triggering event and the date and time it occurred. Do this for several weeks then review your diary and for each episode write down the underlying causes of your anger.
A second step for reducing anger is to reframe the situation that’s making you angry. For example, when I find myself getting angry over slow service or mediocre food rather than turning into a control drama I depersonalize it by attributing the problem to a broken stove or a new waiter or some other factor. The first class passenger who gets angry waiting in line for a passenger flying coach to check in can reframe the situation by praising the airline for treating all passengers alike regardless of the class they are flying.
If you are angry try some of the techniques I’ve suggested. If all else fails, try to accept life as it unfolds. Acceptance is a great antidote to anger. This means accepting situations you encounter, accepting other people you encounter with all their faults and weaknesses and, most of all, accepting yourself with all your faults and weaknesses. If you can do these things you’ll be a happier more satisfied individual.
This hit home several years ago when my teenage son asked me why I was angry all the time. After yelling at him “What do you mean?” thereby proving his point, I asked him what percentage of the time was I angry. He said seventy five percent. I was ashamed of myself, but proud of my son for speaking the truth. I knew I was kind of cranky and grumpy. But, I rationalized it as hormonal. There is something called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) which suggests it may be. I assume there is some sort of injection we can take to cure it! Regardless of whether my anger was hormonal or not, my son saw that underneath the bitching, complaining, lack of patience and general irritation was an angry old man. And, it was robbing me of my happiness and well being as well as hurting my relationship with the people I loved. A real double whammy!
There are of course degrees of anger. There is crankiness and mild irritation and there is rage than can cause blood pressure to rise and other health related consequences. Daniel Goleman, in Emotional Intelligence, refers to this type of anger as an “emotional high jacking.” If you are suffering from this kind of rage you may benefit from anger management counseling. However, if your anger is milder, you are cranky or grumpy, there are things you can do to be less irritable and cranky.
The first step to overcoming anger is identifying its source. Some anger results from feeling we are not in control. For example, I often nag my wife about doing things that really don’t matter. For example, buying fish for dinner, or walking the dogs more often, or paying the bills on time. I can say with out any malice that she rarely listens to me. When I get angry with her it’s not over fish, or dogs or paying bills it’s because I can't control her behavior. Good for her!
Another source of anger results from feeling a lack of respect. For example, I was waiting in line at an airline check in counter and observed someone traveling first class ranting at a counter clerk for keeping them waiting while waiting on another passenger who was flying coach. The first class passenger was reacting to what they perceived was a lack of respect for their superior status.
A third source of anger results from projecting anger directed at ourselves on to another person. I concluded that my chronic anger, some of it directed at my son, resulted from a deep sense of frustration I felt for not using my skills and talents to do something worthwhile for other people. I was taking out my anger on members of my family rather than on myself. By the way, my son tells me I am doing a lot better!
The first step for reducing anger is to own your behavior and take responsibility for it. If you are not sure anger is a problem, ask the people around you. Then do a little soul searching and see if you can identify the source of your anger. It’s probably one of three underlying causes I mentioned earlier-- not feeling in control, feeling a lack of respect, projecting your anger on to others. It requires brutal honesty on your part but well worth it. A helpful hint is, keep an “anger” diary. Whenever you get angry or irritable write down the triggering event and the date and time it occurred. Do this for several weeks then review your diary and for each episode write down the underlying causes of your anger.
A second step for reducing anger is to reframe the situation that’s making you angry. For example, when I find myself getting angry over slow service or mediocre food rather than turning into a control drama I depersonalize it by attributing the problem to a broken stove or a new waiter or some other factor. The first class passenger who gets angry waiting in line for a passenger flying coach to check in can reframe the situation by praising the airline for treating all passengers alike regardless of the class they are flying.
If you are angry try some of the techniques I’ve suggested. If all else fails, try to accept life as it unfolds. Acceptance is a great antidote to anger. This means accepting situations you encounter, accepting other people you encounter with all their faults and weaknesses and, most of all, accepting yourself with all your faults and weaknesses. If you can do these things you’ll be a happier more satisfied individual.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
ARE YOU SABOTAGING YOUR HAPPINESS?
As I said in my initial post, we are put on this Earth to be happy. Unfortunately, we often find ways to sabotage our happiness for no apparent reason. Some very public and dramatic examples include, the forty second President of the United States who risks getting tossed out of office and tarnishing his legacy by having an affair with an intern, a young actress who jeopardizes her career after a series of drug and alcohol related incidences, a Senator from Idaho solicits sex in a men’s bathroom and risks expulsion from the Senate, and a top NFL quarterback is jailed for funding an illegal dog fighting enterprise. Bill Clinton, Lindsay Lohan, Larry Craig and Michael Vick each sabotaged their reputations, their careers, and ultimately their happiness by engaging in self defeating behaviors. These are extreme examples. Most of us engage in more subtle and less public forms of self sabotage. For example, we put off tasks that are instrumental to achieving personal goals. We find ourselves overreacting and becoming angry over things that upon reflection seem trivial and unimportant. Or, we may engage in negative self talk about ourselves or other people. We may worry and fret about the future especially our financial well being. Although less dramatic and destructive than the public displays of sabotage mentioned earlier our self defeating behaviors can be almost as destructive.
I know this first hand. When I entered my Second Half I had everything going for me including a loving and supportive wife and family, excellent health, wonderful friends, financial security, excellent health and an educational and professional background that should have allowed me to launch a second career. Despite the many blessings I enjoyed I was constantly bickering and arguing with my wife, I was drinking too much wine in the evening, I was engaging in obsessive negative self talk, I was constantly bitching and complaining about things that didn’t matter and I was procrastinating completing tasks necessary for achieving my goal of starting a second career. In short, I was doing a thorough job of sabotaging my happiness and well being. Sound familiar?
One of the most difficult challenge in dealing with self sabotage are the elaborate defense mechanisms we create to hide it. Admitting we are sabotaging ourselves can be difficult for our ego to accept. As a result we are often in denial about sabotaging our happiness and well-being and refuse to accept that anything is wrong; a necessary condition for change to take place. If we are unable or unwilling to shed the light of day on our behavior the cycle of self-defeating behavior will continue.
Bearing this point in mind, let me ask you a question, are you sabotaging your happiness? If so, make a list of the ways you believe your are doing this. For example, are you beating yourself up over finances? Or worrying excessively about the future? Or drinking too much in the evening? If you do this you'll be taking the first step toward defeating the enemy within that's robbing you of the happiness and well being you deserve.
In my next posts I'll deal more fully with the various forms of self sabotage and how you can defeat them.
I know this first hand. When I entered my Second Half I had everything going for me including a loving and supportive wife and family, excellent health, wonderful friends, financial security, excellent health and an educational and professional background that should have allowed me to launch a second career. Despite the many blessings I enjoyed I was constantly bickering and arguing with my wife, I was drinking too much wine in the evening, I was engaging in obsessive negative self talk, I was constantly bitching and complaining about things that didn’t matter and I was procrastinating completing tasks necessary for achieving my goal of starting a second career. In short, I was doing a thorough job of sabotaging my happiness and well being. Sound familiar?
One of the most difficult challenge in dealing with self sabotage are the elaborate defense mechanisms we create to hide it. Admitting we are sabotaging ourselves can be difficult for our ego to accept. As a result we are often in denial about sabotaging our happiness and well-being and refuse to accept that anything is wrong; a necessary condition for change to take place. If we are unable or unwilling to shed the light of day on our behavior the cycle of self-defeating behavior will continue.
Bearing this point in mind, let me ask you a question, are you sabotaging your happiness? If so, make a list of the ways you believe your are doing this. For example, are you beating yourself up over finances? Or worrying excessively about the future? Or drinking too much in the evening? If you do this you'll be taking the first step toward defeating the enemy within that's robbing you of the happiness and well being you deserve.
In my next posts I'll deal more fully with the various forms of self sabotage and how you can defeat them.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
BOOMERS AND HAPPINESS
There is no question in my mind that we were put on this Earth by our Maker to be happy. If you don't believe this name a single philosopher, theologian or modern day guru who says otherwise. In fact, I am reminded that our forefathers founded this nation to allow us to pursue happiness along with life and liberty. (They come first). It's awful tough to be happy if you're dead! It's not as difficult if your are not free, but tough nevertheless. That's the reason so many people came to our shores now and throughout history as in, "Send me your huddled masses yearning to breathe free"
There is a difference, though, between being happy because some thing "good" happened to us , for example we received a present versus being happy as a state of being as in "He is a happy person." That's what we mean by happiness, a state of being. And something we Boomers should strive for especially in the Second Half when we've left our work and career in the rear view mirror and have time to indulge ourselves examining some of life's more important issues . Besides, it's pragmatic to do so, happy people are better able to handle the ups and down of life, i.e. aging when they have a happy or sunny disposition.
I know some of you are thinking yeah that's ok for you but to say but most happy people I know were born that way. There is some truth to that. Martin Seligman a well know psychologist from the University of Pennsylvania says we each have a happiness "set point". He also believes we can increase our level of happiness beyond our "set point".
That we fail to do this is the result of several factors including, we don't believe we deserve to be to be happy, we don't want to be happy, we don't know how to be happy. It could be all three!
Are you a Boomer? Are you about to enter your Second Half? Are you already in your Second Half? Are you as happy as you'd like to be? If not, which of the three reasons apply to you? And, what can you do about it?
There is a difference, though, between being happy because some thing "good" happened to us , for example we received a present versus being happy as a state of being as in "He is a happy person." That's what we mean by happiness, a state of being. And something we Boomers should strive for especially in the Second Half when we've left our work and career in the rear view mirror and have time to indulge ourselves examining some of life's more important issues . Besides, it's pragmatic to do so, happy people are better able to handle the ups and down of life, i.e. aging when they have a happy or sunny disposition.
I know some of you are thinking yeah that's ok for you but to say but most happy people I know were born that way. There is some truth to that. Martin Seligman a well know psychologist from the University of Pennsylvania says we each have a happiness "set point". He also believes we can increase our level of happiness beyond our "set point".
That we fail to do this is the result of several factors including, we don't believe we deserve to be to be happy, we don't want to be happy, we don't know how to be happy. It could be all three!
Are you a Boomer? Are you about to enter your Second Half? Are you already in your Second Half? Are you as happy as you'd like to be? If not, which of the three reasons apply to you? And, what can you do about it?
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